Page 75 of Rome
I smiled awkwardly, and Grant finally clued in to the fact that I was uncomfortable.
“Are you OK?”
I nodded, and he eyed me with concern, as if not convinced. His expression cleared after a moment.
“I know you didn’t swallow, but if you’re worried about what we just did, I got tested a month ago. I’m negative for everything.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped the screen a few times before flipping it around so I could see it.
I glanced at it long enough to see that he was showing me his test results, and I breathed a sigh of relief. That was one worry off my mind at least.
“I’m clear, too,” I offered. “I was tested about six weeks ago.”
Grant nodded knowingly, and I knew he assumed it was because of Caleb cheating. I had told him briefly that was the reason for the divorce but hadn’t given any details. I hadn’t mentioned his drinking either. That was no one’s business but Caleb’s.
I didn’t correct Grant’s assumption by confessing that I’d tested after I’d given a blowjob to a stranger in the back of a bar. Even though I’d had the presence of mind to use a condom then, I’d gotten tested the next week anyway.
Oddly enough, I hadn’t worried about getting myself tested after Caleb had confessed. Once the initial shock faded, I knew without a doubt that he’d been faithful to me before that, contrary to what Paisley had implied.
After a few awkward minutes – they felt awkward to me anyway – I told Grant that I needed to get home to relieve the babysitter. On the drive to my house, he sprung the news that he wanted to take our relationship to the next level by going away for the weekend.
He had hinted at it on our last date, but I’d avoided the conversation then. I just wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
I’d talked to Kim about it at our last session, and she asked if I was afraid of moving forward with Grant because it meant I was moving away from Caleb. It seemed like a silly question.
We’d been divorced for over two months and separated for almost three months before that. I’d already made the decision to move on from Caleb. Except that I hadn’t moved on. I still slept with that damned hoodie of his more often than not, and I still woke up expecting to see him lying in bed next to me.
Ethan had adjusted pretty well, with the resilience that only little kids had. It helped that Caleb still came over several nights a week and took them almost every Saturday unless he had to work. Everly lit up whenever she saw her daddy, and I was relieved they were building a strong bond. I’d been so damned afraid of them missing out on the closeness that he and E shared.
I just didn’t know what to do. Part of me wanted to give Grant a chance, and part of me wanted to hide under my pillow with Caleb’s hoodie. I dreaded – positively fucking dreaded – the day Caleb met someone new. I knew that day would come. He was too special to live his life unattached. He deserved to be happy, too. He deserved a fresh start.
I was pulled out of my internal conflict as Laura and Amelia sat back down at the table.
“Now, back to you and Grant, and what you’re going to do about Caleb,” Amelia commanded as she reached for the basket of tortilla chips. I almost groaned. My sister was like a dog with a bone when she wanted information, and I knew she wasn’t going to give up until I told her everything.
“Grant asked me to go out of town with him in a couple of weeks. His college roommate is getting married on the sixteenth. He’s driving up to Fort Wayne that morning and coming back the next day. He wants me to go.”
Amelia didn’t say anything, so Laura jumped in.
“Are you going to go?”
“I...have no idea. Part of me wants to see where this thing goes, part of me is afraid I’m just using Grant because I’m lonely and hurting, part of me thinks I should take a step back and figure out who I am, and part of me…,” my voice trailed off softly.Part of me knows I’ll never love anyone the way I loved – love – Caleb.
“That’s a lot of parts, Abs,” Lia observed quietly. She knew me well enough to know what I’d left unsaid.
“You know, even if you go, it’s not like you’re making a commitment to Grant. You can go, have fun, explore things with him, if you know what I mean,” Laura gave me an understanding smile. “Maybe that will help you decide if you want something more serious with him.”
“I’ll think about it. I told him I’d let him know next week.”
First thing Monday morning, I scheduled a session with Kim to talk through things, and how to handle telling Caleb that I’d met someone. As always, Kim was neutral when I asked what I should do about Grant.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Abby. What do you think you should do? What does your gut say?”
My gut couldn’t say anything because it was twisted in knots. I debated with myself all week and was still undecided this morning when Grant texted to see if he could meet me on my lunch break. We met at a burger joint near the school. As soon as our food arrived, he broached the subject.
“Have you decided if you want to come to Fort Wayne with me next weekend?”
I hesitated before answering. “I’ve thought about it ever since you asked me. I’m…I just don’t want to move too fast. I just got out of a six-year marriage, and I’m worried that this is too soon.”
“I get it, I really do. I’ve worried about the same thing.” He reached for my hand, stroking his thumb over my wrist. “I know you’ve been leery of jumping into a physical relationship. I won’t deny I’m getting…frustrated, but I won’t rush you. This is at your pace. Just because we’ll be in a hotel room together doesn’t mean I’m expecting sex. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldloveto take that step with you, but not until you’re ready. I don’t want to find out later that you have regrets.”
