Page 73 of Rome
Neither of them said anything for a minute or so after my admission.
We talked through what I should do next, and I felt a little better since I had a plan to work with. My heart ached, but I would fix this for Abby.
“Are you gonna be able to lay down ink with that hand tomorrow?”
I shook my head at King. “Probably not. I’ll call Lacey in a few minutes and ask her to reach out to my appointments for tomorrow to reschedule.”
We were all quiet for a minute or two. Then King asked what we were all thinking.
“Are you gonna be OK, son? Jag and I can stay with you – all night if we need to.”
I looked him straight in the eye. “I’d love to drink tonight until I can forget everything, but I won’t. Abby couldn’t drink the memories away when I cheated on her. She couldn’t kill the pain with booze, so I won’t either. She has to live with the thought of me with someone else, and now, so do I.”
I texted Abby the next morning to let her know I would stop by in time to put the kids to bed. She sent back one word in reply.
“OK.”
True to my word, I arrived thirty minutes before Ethan’s bedtime. He let me in when I knocked, and I heard Abby cleaning up the kitchen. I didn’t try to talk to her since the kids were awake. I gave Everly a bath in our – Abby’s – bathroom while Ethan took a shower in the other one. I held her on my lap as I read his goodnight story to him. She was half-asleep by the time I finished so I put her to bed in her crib.
It was quiet when I went back downstairs, and I found Abby standing at the kitchen sink, gazing out the window into the darkness of the backyard.
She turned her head slightly as she heard my footsteps on the kitchen floor, but she didn’t react otherwise. I walked up behind her and laid my hands gently on her shoulders. I felt her tension as I leaned down to drop a soft kiss on her head.
“I’m sorry, Abby. I hate what I’ve done to us – what I’ve done to you – but I can’t change it. Tell me what I can do to help you through this, because I can’t stand by and watch you do things that could hurt you in the end.”
She dropped her head a little, but she hadn’t yelled at me or thrown me out, so I took a chance. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her back against me, then leaned down and rested my chin on her shoulder.
“I had no right to judge you yesterday, but I do have the right to be concerned about you. You are the mother of my children, and you know I will always love you. I can’t just ignore it when you’re hurting, Abby. Please don’t ask me to.”
She dropped her head back to rest against my chest, and I tightened my arms around her waist a little more. It had been so long since I’d held her in my arms and I breathed in deeply, relishing her familiar scent.
“It wasn’t about revenge, at least not mostly. I just need to prove something to myself, or to my ego maybe. Yes, I was angry, and I was hurt. I knew that everything she said wasn’t true, but it still got to me. She played on every bit of insecurity I have. It didn’t help that she knew things that she shouldn’t have known, Caleb.”
“I know. I heard the video, and I think most of it was a lucky guess on her part. I would imagine some of the guys have been running their mouths, too, or she’s overheard shit and twisted it around to suit her own purposes. I need you to understand that I’ve not talked to her or any of the bunnies. I haven’t touched them, or anyone else. None of what she said was true. I love our kids, and I loved every single goddamned minute of our life together until I ruined it all. None of it was an obligation. None of it caused me to drink. You were always enough, baby girl. You were always more than I ever hoped for, and definitely more than I deserved.”
“I wish you wouldn’t say that, Caleb. Despite everything that happened, you are a good man. You just made some really bad choices, and I…I just couldn’t risk you doing it again, not when it affects our kids, too.”
“I know, baby girl. I know. You did the right thing then, but you made a bad choice yesterday. That’s not you. Please don’t do it ever again. I know that you’re gonna move on eventually. But please, make sure the next guy is worthy of you. You are amazing, Abby, and you deserve a man who treats you like the queen you are. You deserve to be happy, and you won’t find the life you deserve with shitstains like that fuckin’ bartender.”
She took in a deep, shuddering breath, then turned in my arms to face me. “I’m sorry that you had to see me like that yesterday. I didn’t mean for you to ever find out. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I kissed her forehead as tears stung the backs of my eyes. “I know, Abs. It’s OK.”
“No, it’s not OK. I shouldn’t have let her get in my head. It all felt wrong, and I hate myself for it.” Her voice was husky with tears, and I pulled her into my arms. After a moment, she rested her hands on my waist and laid her head down on my shoulder.
“We’re quite the fucked-up pair, aren’t we?” She chuckled sadly at my observation.
“Yeah. I’m going to call Kim tomorrow to schedule a session. I haven’t been in a few weeks. I thought I was doing OK, but clearly, I’m not,” she admitted.
“I’m still seeing her twice a week. It’s helping.”
“I’m glad, Caleb. I want you to be happy, too.”
I tightened my arms around her and kissed her forehead again. I’d only be happy if I could hold her like this for the rest of my life, but there was no point in voicing that thought.
Chapter 24
Abby
