Page 65 of Rome
“I love you, Abby, and I’m here for you when you’re ready.” He brushed a kiss on my temple as he slipped around me and left the room. A few minutes later, I heard the front door open and close, then the roar of his Charger as he started it up.
Chapter 21
Rome/Caleb
Each and every day of the past two months has been harder than the one before it. I keep waiting for my new normal, as Kim calls it, but I haven’t found it yet. I think it’s because I don’t want to.
I don’t want a new fucking normal. I wantmy normal, which means living at our house with my wife and kids, instead of this goddamned duplex I just moved into. My normal means waking up with my wife and going to sleep with her in my arms. It means seeing my kids for more than an hour a day. It means smelling cherry blossoms when I walk into my bathroom because my wife has just been there, and not because I went out and bought a fucking cherry blossom-scented air freshener. I even bought some body spray that matches the lotion and other shit that Abby uses, and I spritz it on a spare pillow I bought. I go to sleep holding that fucking thing, with my face buried in it so I can pretend I’m curled up with Abby.
I didn’t want to sign the fucking divorce papers. I’d thrown up in the trash can at work when the damned process server had shown up with them and had left early to go back to Sinner’s house. I’d called Abby on the way and told her that I wasn’t signing them until we’d tried more therapy. She’d told me that even if I didn’t sign, it wouldn’t stop the divorce.
“It will only drag things out longer, Caleb, and that’s not fair to either one of us, or to the kids.”
I still hadn’t planned to sign, until King and Sinner had sat me down for a talk a week or so later.
“I know you love her, but you have to let her go, son. She’s been through enough. You can’t force her to forgive you, and you can’t force her to let you stay. Let her go, before you ruin the relationship with the mother of your children completely. You both need a fresh start.”
Sinner had listened quietly as my dad spoke, but then it was his turn.
“You never know, kid. A fresh start might be just what you need to find your way back to each other.”
I’ve been working fourteen-hour days. It’s the only way I can keep my damned sanity. Otherwise, I’d just sit and stare at the walls, thinking about everything that I lost. Everything that I fucked up. Everyone that I hurt.
I live for the evenings, when I can see my family for a little while, and for Saturdays, when I get the kids for the day. My brief interactions with Abby feed my soul just enough to keep me alive.
The duplex I’m in is one that Sinner owns with the MC. It became vacant a few weeks ago and I knew I couldn’t stay in Sinner’s guest room forever. With our divorce due to be finalized next week, I couldn’t avoid reality any longer. I needed a house for my kids, because it was fucking obvious that Abby wasn’t going to change her mind.
I bought a TV, a bed for Ethan, and a crib for Everly. The bed I’m using, along with the living room furniture and small table and chairs in the kitchen were all borrowed from Molly. She’d put most of her shit in storage after she’d moved in with Jag. When she heard I was getting a place, she had volunteered her stuff. She’d also given me some odds and ends for the kitchen. I could have gone out and bought all new shit, but there didn’t seem to be any point. It’s not like I planned to spend more time here than absolutely necessary.
Abby had packed some of the kids’ things for them to keep here, and it was one more blow when I saw that bag when I picked them up this morning. One more reminder that our lives were separate now, right down to the kids’ damned toys.
Ethan and I were currently at the little kitchen table putting together one of his LEGO sets, while Everly slept on a blanket I’d laid out on the living room carpet.
“Daddy?” Ethan stared intently at the two pieces he was trying to snap together.
“Yeah, buddy?” I handed him another piece to add to the two he already had.
“Why can’t you move back home with us?”
I hadn’t expected that question, and it hit me hard. We’d sat him down the day after I moved out and explained that we weren’t going to live together, but that we would always love him and be his mommy and daddy. He hadn’t pushed for a reason why at the time, but he’d clearly been thinking about it.Kim had encouraged us to be as truthful as we could if he asked, without going into detail, of course.
“Well, it’s hard to explain, but I did something that hurt your Mommy’s feelings.”
He didn’t say anything for a minute, and I wondered if that would be the end of it. I should have fucking known better.
“Then why don’t you just say you’re sorry?”
I smiled sadly as I ran my hand over his hair. He looked up at me expectantly, so I answered in the only way he would understand.
“I did, bud, but that’s not always good enough. Remember when you got mad at Amir a couple of weeks ago when he pushed you and Alicia down at recess?” Ethan nodded. “Well, even though he told you both that he was sorry, you told me you still don’t really want to play with him anymore, right?”
He nodded again. “Why don’t you want to play with him anymore, E?”
He was quiet for a minute. “I’m still kinda mad at him, I guess.”
“Yeah, that happens, buddy. And that’s what happened with your mom and me.”
“So, if she stops being mad at you, then you can move back home?”
