Page 45 of Rome
“So, the first thing we need to do is establish the preliminary goal for your joint counseling sessions – and please keep in mind that there is no correct answer here. Some couples know coming into counseling that they want to work toward reconciliation. Some are leaning more toward resolving their issues so they can end their relationship amicably and can co-parent successfully. Some don’t know yet what they want, or they each have different goals.”
She paused and looked at us both closely. “Now, before I ask each of you about your goals, I want you both to keep this in mind. Whatever path you want to take is OK.If you want to work to save your marriage, it’s OK. If you find that reconciliation just isn’t possible, it’s OK. Give yourself permission to make the best decision foryou.Above all, give yourself grace, because this will be a difficult journey for each of you individually, and an even more difficult journey for you as a couple.”
I took a deep breath, feeling the weight of her words settling deep inside me.
“Rome, you told me when we spoke that you are committed to repairing your marriage, and that reconciliation is your goal. Is that still an accurate statement?”
“Absolutely. I love Abby, and I will do whatever it takes for her to forgive me and learn to trust me again.”
Kim looked at him approvingly. “I’m glad you understand that trust doesn’t automatically come with forgiveness. They are two very separate issues, and one is sometimes much easier than the other to gain. One is also often harder togive.” She directed that last part to me, and I nodded.
“That’s my biggest concern, actually. I want our marriage to work. I want to work toward reconciliation, but I’m afraid that even if I can forgive Caleb, I’m not sure I could ever trust him again. Not with cheating really. I truly believe that would never have happened if he hadn’t been drunk. But he’d already promised me he wouldn’t drink, and he broke that promise in the worst way possible, so how can I trust that he won’t do it again?”
I heard Caleb’s sharp inhale, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“That’s a valid concern, Abby, and it’s one that most betrayed partners struggle with. I can tell you that rebuilding trust is absolutely possible in many cases, if both partners are willing to put in the work. The work that you will need to put into this, Abby, involves being willing to listen to Rome, being willing to look at things from his perspective to give you a greater understanding of the reasoning behind his actions. It means being willing to accept that there may be things that you just can’t understand, no matter how hard you try, and being willing to forgive those things anyway. Forgiveness takes work on your part, but rebuilding trust takes even more effort.”
“Rome, the work needed for your addiction recovery will be discussed later, once I have a better feel for what your specific issues are. As far as rebuilding trust and helping Abby heal from your betrayal, there are very important things to be cognizant of. You will need to be completely transparent with all of your actions moving forward. As painful as it will be for both of you, you will need to answer any questions that Abby has about the infidelity or your drinking and be patient with her. She will heal on her time frame, not yours. You will need to understand that your actions may have caused betrayal trauma, and Abby will likely be left with triggers, things that bring back those feelings of betrayal even after she’s healed.
“What kinds of things could be triggers?” Caleb asked, darting a quick look at me.
“Well, it’s different with each person, and can even change from day to day, but basically anything that reminds Abby of your betrayal could be a trigger which dredges up the past feelings of pain, shock, anger, or mistrust. It could be something obvious, like seeing the woman you cheated with, or something more subtle, like seeing someone else drinking to excess even if you haven’t touched a drop of alcohol yourself. It could even be a similar scene in a movie, or a song about betrayal. Aside from being upsetting, triggers often lead to intrusive thoughts. For example, if Abby is triggered by something related to infidelity, it may lead her to wonder if you’ve maintained contact with the woman, or are still attracted to the woman, or if you’ve cheated with any – “
“I wasneverattracted to that bitch. I was so goddamned drunk that I thought she was Abby!” I was startled by Caleb’s outburst, but Kim took the interruption in stride. She was probably used to it.
“I’m sorry for making that assumption, Rome. Thank you for clarifying that.”
“Look, I didn’t mean to fly off the handle, but I need to make sure Abby knows that it wasn’t like that,at all.”
“I’m not offended, believe me. Have the two of you discussed what happened that night?”
Caleb winced. “Yeah, the next day, when I got home.”
“So, you confessed right away?”
“I was getting ready to – trying to find the right words, – but she figured it out first,” he admitted quietly.
It was suddenly hard for me to breathe, and I felt like it was Sunday afternoon again. I closed my eyes, seeing that damned hickey on his neck. I could feel the bile rising up to my throat and I swallowed hard to try to fight it.
“Abby?” I heard Caleb’s voice calling my name, but I was too caught up in the images flashing in my mind to respond. Images of Caleb looking so lost as he walked in the door. I need to talk to you…there’s something…let’s go sit down.
“Abs!” I jolted as I felt Caleb grab my hand, opening my eyes to find him staring at me in horror, and Kim looking at me with sympathy. I only realized I was crying when she nudged the box of tissues closer to me.
“What just happened?” Caleb pinned Kim with a glare, as if it were her fault that I had just fallen apart.
She sighed. “I believe Abby was triggered by the memory of your conversation. Am I right, Abby?”
I nodded, unable to speak. I dried my tears and tried to take a deep, calming breath.
“She can’t get that upset right now, because of her blood pressure. How are we supposed to talk about anything if everything I say upsets her like that? Iwon’tfucking do that to her.”
Kim looked at me with concern. “Abby, you’re having high blood pressure with your pregnancy?”
“It’s been a little high for the past couple of weeks, and it got really high Sunday evening. My doctor is keeping an eye on things, and she said I’m OK though.”
“Do we need to postpone our sessions until after the baby is born?”
“Yes!” Caleb said emphatically.
