Page 61 of Rome
The rest of the night was so strained and awkward that Ethan finally seemed to pick up on it. He was grumpier than usual by the time I put him to bed. I spent a few extra minutes reading to him, snuggled up with him in his bed as he rested his head on my shoulder to look at the pictures.
“Goodnight, sweet boy. I love you.” I slid out of bed, tucked the covers in around him, and leaned down to kiss his forehead.
“Love you, too, Mommy,” he mumbled, snuggling deeper into his pillow. I stood over him for a few minutes, as his eyes drifted closed and his breathing evened out.
I nursed Everly one more time before I went to bed for the night. She’d already gotten into a routine with her sleep and feeding schedule. Caleb normally fed her once, using a bottle filled with the breast milk that I’d pumped, then he would bring her to me to nurse her again around four.
I awoke a little before midnight, to the sound of Caleb’s voice coming through the baby monitor that I’d forgotten to take back downstairs for Caleb earlier. He was talking softly to Everly, and I could hear her gurgle and coo. She usually did that during a diaper change, and a few seconds later, I heard the sound of the Velcro tabs being pulled open, signaling that a diaper was indeed being changed.
“Careful, sweet pea. If you keep kicking your legs like that, I’ll never get this diaper on.”
I could make out the sound of the container of diaper wipes being snapped shut, and then Caleb spoke again.
“OK, let’s get you fed, before you decide to exercise those lungs of yours. We don’t need to wake up the entire house, do we, young lady?”
I smiled tiredly into the darkness.
“There you go, sweet pea. That’s my girl.” I heard Everly fuss a little, and then the soft sounds of her sucking on the bottle.
“You’re hungry, huh? Well, Mommy pumped lots of milk for you. You got lucky, you know. You got the best Mommy in the world. She’s been a little sad lately, but that’s my fault. Don’t worry, though, I’ll make it better. I’ll do whatever it takes to make her smile again. She has a beautiful smile, sweet pea. You haven’t gotten to see it very much, but trust me, it’s beautiful. You and your brother deserve a happy mom, and I’ll make it happen. I promise.”
I could hear the sadness and regret in his voice as it trailed off, leaving the soft suckling sounds and an occasional coo or grunt from Everly to fill the silence. I buried my face in my pillow as I cried, not wanting to be heard in the quiet of the night. I eventually fell into a fitful sleep, waking again a few minutes after four as I heard Everly cry.
Caleb was coming up the stairs to get her as I stepped out of our bedroom.
“I’ve got her,” I murmured quietly, and he hesitated before turning and heading back downstairs to the couch.
Everly nursed fairly well but seemed fussier than she had with Caleb earlier. I wondered again if she was picking up on my stress and decided to call the pediatrician in the morning to be safe.
I was able to call as soon as Caleb left to take Ethan to school. I spoke with the nurse, explaining the situation despite my humiliation. She was sympathetic as she asked if I was having trouble producing milk, or if Everly was having trouble latching on. I answered no to both. She mentioned that she could have the doctor refer me to a lactation specialist, but she suspected that Everly was reacting to my emotional state.
“We aren’t scheduled to see Everly again until she’s a month old, but let’s make an appointment to see her this Thursday, just to make sure her weight is increasing as it should be at two weeks old. In the meantime, if she is taking the bottle easier than the breast, you should consider pumping and doing bottle feeds. She’ll still get all the benefits of your breast milk, and you can still build a close bond with her during feeding.”
I was still pondering that conversation after lunch, when it was time for my phone session with Kim that we had scheduled when we spoke on Friday. After about fifteen minutes of pouring out my thoughts from the last few days, I finally asked her what I should do.
“I can’t answer that for you, Abby, but I will do my very best to helpyoufigure it out. You’ve shared with me that you don’t feel as if you’ve had much control over your love life, with Rome trying to prevent you from dating others and him deciding the course of your relationship early on. I want to help you take control, whether that’s deciding to stay, deciding to leave, or deciding on something in-between until you’re in a better place emotionally to make such a monumental decision. What is your gut telling you?”
I hesitated, and Kim spoke again.
“Your gut, Abby. Don’t think about it, just say it.”
“I can’t be with him right now.” The words literally took my breath as they left my mouth and left behind a crushing pain in my chest.
“OK. Now, let’s talk it through.”
Our session ran a little long, and when I ended the call over an hour later, I was completely and utterly drained. I was devastated just thinking about what was coming next, but there was a strange sense of calm that overtook me. I had to do this, for my kids’ sake. I had to find peace and happiness again, and only time would tell if Caleb could be part of that or not.
Chapter 19
Rome/Caleb
After I dropped Ethan off, I drove to Kim’s office. We were having an early session today because I had back-to-back appointments scheduled at the shop. We spoke briefly about the weekend, and my concerns about Abby, and even about Everly’s fussiness while nursing.
Although I had given Kim permission to tell Abby anything she wanted to know from my individual sessions, Abby had asked to keep hers private. I didn’t like it, but I understood. I hoped that we could have a joint session this week, so I could get a fucking clue what my wife was thinking.
Kim and I delved into my drinking again, focusing on the club and how drinking fit into the social aspect of my relationships with my family and club brothers. We also discussed how alcohol affected my behavior and my judgement, and the poor decisions that had resulted from over-indulging. I have to admit, I didn’t fucking like the picture of myself that was starting to emerge.
I didn’t make it home until after seven, but I did make sure to text Abby around four to let her know I’d be late, and why. I hadn’t done that yesterday, and I’d been able to tell that Abby was upset with me for getting home so late from Church. I’d tried to explain that the brothers had wanted to hear everything about the baby, and I’d gotten caught up in showing pictures and videos. She didn’t react, and I couldn’t tell if she believed me or not.
