Page 51 of Rome
She pinned me with a look so filled with hurt that I cringed.
“Abby, I’m – “
“Please, let me finish. I’ve held this inside for way too many years, and when I talked to Kim yesterday, she told me that I needed to find a way to stop doing that. She called it,finding my voice. I need to communicate with you, and tell you what I’m thinking or feeling, instead of just internalizing everything.”
“You talked to Kim yesterday?” I was shocked to hear that, but at the same time, it gave me hope that Abby wanted to work things out.
She nodded. “Yes, I called her yesterday afternoon to apologize for my outburst, and to ask about scheduling an appointment for an individual session. We ended up doing a kind of mini session over the phone. I set up an appointment for Monday afternoon, too.”
“That’s great, Abs. I had my first session with her yesterday morning. I reached out and squeezed her hand, a little surprised when I felt her squeeze my hand in return. She didn’t seem to notice when I left my hand there, covering hers as it rested in her lap.
“Don’t stop now, baby girl. Keep telling me whatever you have to say.” I encouraged softly.
“Jagger and Lucky treated me like a little sister, and you acted like my friend half the time, then ignored me the other half. Once in a while, I’d catch you looking at me like you were interested, but then you’d turn cold again, or I’d hear about you with other girls, so I figured it was my imagination – or just wishful thinking on my part.”
“I didn’t realize you’d heard about other girls. I tried to make sure you never found out about any of that shit.” I admitted quietly, feeling so ashamed about the fucking cavalier attitude I’d had back then.
She gave a small laugh, but it was bitter and angry rather than amused. “Well, that should have been your first clue. When you feel like you need to sneak or hide something, then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it.”
“You’re absolutely right.” I hoped she could hear the regret in my voice.
“It always upset me – which I knew was stupid because I didn’t have any claim on you – but it still hurt every time. When no other guys seemed interested, it just reinforced the idea that you couldn’t possibly want me, either.”
“Baby girl, you have no fucking idea how much I wanted you, but there’s no way I could have acted on it. You were too young; it just wouldn’t have been right. Besides, I knew your dad would thrown my sorry ass in jail if I touched you before you were eighteen.”
“Do you even hear yourself? You wanted me so much that you fucked other women. You loved me so much, yet you still fucked other women. You planned to marry me, yet you still fucked other women. You thought that was all perfectly fine, while making sure that I stayed in this lonely, untouched little bubble just for you.”
She pulled her hand from mine and rubbed her stomach. My eyes followed the movement, and I saw the ripple across the front of her belly that meant Everly was moving around.
“I don’t understand that, Caleb. I can’t imagine letting another man touch me. I’ve tried to tell myself all these years that it must be different for men, but I don’t think that’s it. You were just selfish. You wanted me all to yourself, and you made sure of it, but you didn’t give me the same courtesy. You spent four years with other women. Kissing them, going down on them, letting them suck you off, and fucking them.”
I hated hearing her say that. I hated even more that every word was true.
“Do you know what I did during those same four years, Caleb? I had four first dates, and I kissed four guys. Four. One of those guys touched my tits, over my clothes, and I hated that it wasn’t you, so I made him stop and take me home.”
“The guy you went out with on Christmas break.” I stated, remembering that night well.
“Yep, that guy. So, please quit acting like you had it so fucking tough because you had to wait four years for me to turn eighteen. You continued on with your life pretty much like nothing had changed, and I spent four years alone, with a few kisses and a quick grope as the only physical contact I had, wondering what was so wrong with me that no one showed me any interest at all.
I spent four years knowing that the guy I loved was hooking up with other girls. You spent four years making sure that I was basically untouched by the time you claimed me. If all that wasn’t bad enough, when I finally thought that I might be special to you after all, I found out that the fucking road name I’d been so proud of had more to do with the fact that you’d fucked your way through dozens of women than it did with my nickname for you.”
“No, Abs. That’s not fuckin’ true. I don’t care what those cunts said, I got my road name because of you. King chose my name, baby girl. Do you honestly think he would have given me that name because of other women? King knew that was your name for me, and he knew I was in love with you. He’s the one who started the Romeo and Juliet shit. That’s why he named me Romeo. It had nothing to do with anyone else. Just you, baby girl.”
She looked at me, and I could tell she wasn’t sure what to believe.
“I was with other women, but not nearly as many or as often as you think. I stopped hooking up with the girls at school after you saw me kissing one of them after baseball practice. I saw that it upset you, so I avoided the girls at school after that. I guess I thought what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you.”
“But I did know, and it did hurt,” she pointed out.
“After that, it was mainly the club bunnies, and a few of the women who hung around the club. It didn’t happen very often, Abs. That probably doesn’t help, but I want you to know that those bunnies you heard were lying.”
“So, you weren’t with four different women the night of your patch party?” The look on her face was wary, as if she wanted to hope it wasn’t true, but was afraid that it really was.
“Abs,” I said, shaking my head. “Don’t do this to yourself, please.”
Her expression crumpled, and she looked away. “So, youdidfuck four other women that night. Did you plan on that? Is that why you didn’t invite me to your party?”
I sighed. “No, I didn’t plan it, but I knew those parties always got wild. It was no place for a girl your age, Abs.”
