Page 50 of Rome
I was sitting at the table with my coffee mug, skimming the news headlines on my phone by the time Abby and Ethan came downstairs. Ethan’s eyes lit up at the sight of the doughnuts. I hugged him good morning and debated trying to do the same with Abby. I settled for brushing a kiss on the top of her head as I placed a cup of tea in front of her. She was startled for a second, then looked up and gave me a hesitant smile.
“Lia’s upstairs getting ready. She’s going to take Ethan to buy Halloween candy for the trick-or-treaters, and then they’re going to go visit with my parents for a little while.” Abby looked at me pointedly, and I realized that Lia was giving us privacy for our talk.
Ethan filled the silence with chatter about Halloween coming up on Monday. The kid was so damned excited. He was going to dress up asSpiderman. I was pleased that Abby ate one of the blueberry muffins, along with a small container of yogurt that I’d set out.
I was loading the last of the dishes in the dishwasher when Lia and Ethan left about forty minutes later. Abby threw away the bakery bags while I wiped down the table, then we both stood awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen.
“Let’s go sit in the living room,” she suggested quietly, and I followed her from the room. She sat down in her usual corner of the couch, and I sat in the chair closest to her. I realized a moment too late that we had been in the same positions the last time we talked here, but I didn’t want to call attention to that by changing seats now.
Before I could say a word, Abby started telling me about her OB visit.
“Dr. Chen told me to make sure my hospital bag is ready, because she thinks Everly will probably come a week early. If by some chance I don’t go into labor naturally next week, she wants to induce labor on Friday. She said she doesn’t want to take any chances since my blood pressure has been so elevated and the swelling in my feet and ankles is getting much worse.”
“Wow.” I was a little stunned. I hadn’t expected to hear that. “So, how do you feel about that?” I asked.
“It seems crazy to think that by this time next week, Everly will be here one way or another, but honestly, I’m ready for it to be over. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I’m an emotional wreck with my hormones being all fucked up. I’m just done, you know?”
I nodded sadly. “You and I both know that pregnancy isn’t the only thing causing all that. God, I’m so sorry, Abs. I’ve fucked everything up.” I sighed. What I’d done was horrible, but the timing of it made it all even worse.
“I know you’re sorry. I really do. An apology doesn’t just fix this though, Caleb. It won’t just make the pain go away. But right now, we need to figure out our birth plan.”
“What do you mean? We’ve already done that. Your bag has been ready for over a month, Sinner’s going to stay with Ethan so your parents and my dad can wait at the hospital with us. What else is there to figure out?”
She looked at me like I was an idiot, which was probably a fair assessment. “I can hardly look at you, Caleb. I’m tense and uncomfortable whenever I’m near you, which will be a problem when I’m in labor, so – “
“Wait. Are you trying to tell me you don’t want me in there with you when our daughter is born? No way, Abby. There is no fuckin’ way I’m not gonna be right there with you. I’m not missing that!” I shook my head sharply, equal parts furious and scared shitless.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying! I wouldn’t do that to you, no matter how angry and hurt I am,” she told me, the indignation clear in her voice.
“I’m sorry, Abs. I should have known better than to think that. It’s just…after our session Thursday, I’m not sure what to think anymore.”
“I want to have Lia in the birthing suite with us. I think having someone else there as a buffer between us might be a good idea. I mean, emotions are going to be running high enough as it is, and if I get upset, my blood pressure will – “
I held my hand up to stop her. “If you want Lia there, that’s fine with me. I think it will be good for you to have her there. Is there anything else you want to change about the birthing plan?” She shook her head no. I hesitated before asking my next question, worried about stirring up a shitstorm again, but knowing that we had to talk about it.
“Can we talk about what you said before you left Thursday?” I asked softly.
She closed her eyes briefly, then opened them and looked directly at me. “I’m not apologizing for what I said, but I do need to apologize for the way I said it. I was being a bitch, and I was deliberately hateful because I wanted to try to hurt you like you’ve hurt me. That kind of shit isn’t going to get us anywhere, so I’m sorry that I lashed out like that.”
“I’m sorry that I gave you another reason to lash out. I know I keep saying that, but I keep finding more damned reasons to apologize. Look, I…” I stopped, trying to form a coherent thought as I figured out how to confess all my fucking sins.
“I have no excuse for the way I acted back then. I was young, I was selfish, I was lonely, and I was frustrated because I couldn’t claim you yet. But most of all, I was just fuckin’ stupid. I should have waited for you. I shouldn’t have touched anyone else, but I did, and I can’t change that no matter how much we both fuckin’ wish I could. You were right when you said the fact that we weren’t officially together shouldn’t have mattered. I already knew I wanted to spend my life with you, and I shouldn’t have been with other women while I was waiting for you to grow up.”
She took in a deep, shaky breath, and I thought she might be ready to cry. When she speared me with a look, I realized she wasn’t on the verge of tears after all. She was absolutely livid.
“Youwere lonely? How the hell do you thinkIfelt, Caleb? You thought it was OK for you to fuck anything with a vagina, but you lost your shit if I eventalkedto another guy. You decided I was yours - without even telling me or making sure Iwantedto be yours – and then you did your best to warn off every guy in school so that nobody else would come near me. You might as well have pissed a circle around me, only I had no fucking clue!”
I hung my head because she was right. That’s exactly what I’d done.
“You know, all through high school I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, because none of the guys in school wanted anything to do with me. The few guys I met outside of school quickly lost interest, so I decided there must be something seriously wrong with me. Do you have any idea what that did to me? To my self-esteem?” Tears welled in her eyes, and she blinked them away.
“I thought it was because I was bigger than the other girls, so I dieted, and I exercised more, but it never really helped. My waist got smaller, but my boobs and my hips never really did. I’m just not built to be thin. I was so damned self-conscious of my body that I started wearing oversized clothing and flowing skirts. I thought it would help hide my curves, but it just made me look bigger all over.
My mom finally figured out what I was doing. She took me to see my doctor, who assured me that I was healthy and didn’t need to lose weight. She took me shopping and had a saleswoman work with me to find clothing that flattered my figure, instead of trying to camouflage it. She even took me to get a makeover and to get highlights put in my hair because I thought that would boost my self-confidence.” She made a sound of frustration as she wiped a finger under each eye. “It didn’t help.”
I thought back to that time, and I remembered now that Abby had gone for several months wearing baggy T-shirts, oversized sweaters, and long skirts. The only reason I’d noticed was because I had hated that her body was hidden from my view. I’d been happy as hell when she’d stopped wearing that shit and went back to the jeans that hugged her ass, and shirts that actually fit.
“Sure, I probably would have gone through a lot of that anyway, because I was a teenaged girl, and we get self-conscious, and we do stupid shit to try to fit in. But, dammit Caleb, you warning other guys off like that made it so much worse. I felt like I had the plague or something, like I had to be absolutely hideous because no guy wanted to have anything to do with me.”
