Page 41 of Radiant Exception
“I’m sorry,” was all I could manage to say.
When I’d lost my parents, there was such an outpouring of sympathy and compassion for their loss. They were public figures andhad been beloved for their efforts to hinder Meridian’s operations. And I knew I loved them, but not in a way that I thought a child should love their parents, because they were strangers to me.
Xavier and I were raised by aides, nannies, and tutors, and frankly, each other. We were carted around as accessories, unable to put down roots, and unable to live normal lives because of their station. I felt numb when they were gone, but oddly, it was the same numbness I’d felt for them my entire life, because they had always been so far away.
But when I’d lost Xavier…there were few who mourned him, and no words of condolence made any kind of impact. It felt as thoughIhad died.
So thinking about what Vaughn had gone through, losing the men and women that had become his family, after growing up in such difficult circumstances…it was unfathomable.
“I have nightmares,” I shared. “They start out nice, like a memory of me and my brother, and then it turns into me seeing him in a coffin.” I wiped away an errant tear that escaped. “I know it’s not the same—”
Vaughn reached out, placing his palm on my knee and gently squeezing, as if to say it didn’t matter that it wasn’t like for like—that he understood.
“It never goes away,” I said softly. “People said it would dull, but it’s been over three years, and it feels just as sharp to wake up every day and have to remember all over again that half of my soul is gone.”
“I hear them dying,” he whispered. “Over and over and overagain.”
My heart hurt for him.
“It was my call.” He buried his face in his hands. “Every single life is on my head.”
“They could have disobeyed you. They made a choice too. They sacrificed their lives so those civilians could live,” I tried to reason, knowing it was pointless, knowing he’d likely heard all of this before. “Wouldn’t they want you to live? Wouldn’t they be proud of what you’ve accomplished?”
He scoffed. “You should take your own advice.”
I sighed, leaning back on my palms. “You’re right.”
Xavier would have dragged me out of Tharsis if he knew I’d holed up there for years after his death, living life in the shadows, on the fringes, barely scraping by, and thinking that maybe death would be easier than living in such a void, without him.
“If I take it, will you?” I challenged.
He turned to glance at me.
“We’re useless if we keep wallowing like this,” I pointed out. “Maybe if we actually completed this mission, it would be a big step toward some sort of redemption.”
He rolled his eyes, but I could see he was taking in my words.
“We could try, anyway,” I goaded him. I was sick of living like a zombie, one day blurring into the next, and feeling like nothing mattered. I wanted my life to matter. I wanted Xavier to matter. And if we could find the Phoenix and take Meridian down, that would matter. It wouldn’t erase what happened to either of us, but it would matter.
“I want to try.” I glanced up at Vaughn as I made my declaration.
He kept my gaze for a moment, studying my conviction before he finally agreed. “Okay.”
I smiled, and he returned the gesture, albeit somewhat more imperceptibly, but I saw it nonetheless.
“I brought you dinner.” I motioned toward the food.
“Thank you.” He got up to start poking at his options.
“I’m going to clean up and get out of this uniform. Let’s talk through the mission progress when I’m done,” I told him on my way to the bathroom.
He nodded, his mouth already full of food.
“There’s no way it’s Jordan,” he argued.
“Keep your voice down,” I reprimanded. I was sitting behind Vaughn on the bed, massaging his very tight neck muscles, in the hopes that loosening them up might help with the migraines.
The fact that I got to run my hands all over his bare muscles was an added benefit that definitely hadn’t factored into my offer… Absolutely not at all.
