Page 37 of Radiant Exception
I released a sigh, trying to work out the sudden tightness in my chest. I didn’t like thinking about the little family I’d had and how I’d lost it at such a young age.
“So your dad was an asshole, I take it?” she asserted.
“He abused my mother and was directly responsible for her death,” I ground out, wanting the conversation to end.
“Oh…” She shrank in my arms, finally realizing she’d crossed a line, or so I thought. “You could change your name…”
“My mom asked me not to,” I spit out in a clipped tone. “Vaughn is her maiden name. She named me after him because he refused to let her use his surname. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
I didn’t want to talk about how she’d been so in love with him that she was blind to everything he’d put her through, that he had her convinced she deserved everything he’d done to her, and even with her dying breath, that she’d defended him. I didn’t want to think about how she’d loved him so deeply that it had cost her, her life, and that the ignorance she displayed because of that love was probably why I’d run from feeling anything for my entire life.
But with Lark…she made me feel more deeply than I thought I was capable of.
Lark made me want to feel.
“I’m sorry, Vaughn…” She threaded her fingers through mine, squeezing them tightly.
I said nothing, but pulled her closer, needed to feel her against me, to smell the essence of her to ease the ache in my heart.
“Are we okay?” she asked tentatively, her voice soft, after we’d lain in silence for a while.
“Yeah, Trouble, we’re okay,” I reassured her. I couldn’t be angry with her for being curious. And I knew that if I wanted something more with her, I’d have to open up eventually, which was a terrifying prospect, but a necessary one. I might never have been in a relationship before, but I understood that one should be built on a strong foundation of understanding, vulnerability, and intimacy, all of which would be a constant struggle for me.
“I’m glad you don’t hate me anymore,” she murmured, already half asleep.
“I never hated you,” I asserted. But then, speaking my thoughts out loud, I admitted, “I think I just hate myself…”
Lark turned in my arms, her fingertips brushing against my jaw. I wished I hadn’t turned the lights off already, so I could see her face. “You’re doing the best you can. Everyone can see that,” she offered. “That’s all anyone can do is keep trying, and you try so hard.” Her voice got quieter as she went. “It’s going to be okay…”
Only a moment later, she sagged in my hold, her breath evening out as she slipped into slumber, and I wanted to believe her. I needed to.
The next morning was my turn to sneak out of the room before Vaughn could wake up.
After everything he’d admitted to me, I was surprised to find that he’d held me all night, just like I’d asked. I felt a pang of guilt at pushing him harder than I’d realized, until the next morning, when post-starshine clarity hit me.
Vaughn’s life had been on a tragic trajectory from the start. And even though I kept telling myself that I just wanted to keep things casual between us, he was making that so much more difficult the more he let me in…the closer he let me get.
It was so warm and comfortable in his arms, but that comfort brought a level of unwelcome anxiety.
It felt like home.
No man had ever held me like that before. More so, I hadn’t felt safe or cherished in a long time, and waking up, with him, like that, made me feel like I could get used to it, but there was an end date to all of this, so I couldn’t afford to let my guard down.
I couldn’t even afford to let myself think about it, or I’d think about Xavier, and how I’d never get to hug him again, and he gavethe best fucking hugs. And that was how I found myself crying into my coffee in the quiet early hours before my shift, in the empty mess.
Taking a deep breath, I wiped the moisture from my face and made my way down to the engineering bay, hoping the shitty coffee would somehow ease the headache that was pounding at my temples.
Maybe it was the starshine still swimming around in my head, but I felt conflicted about the night before. Sure, I was glad to have been able to build some rapport with Ethan and Rion, even though I still needed to have more in-depth one-on-one conversations with both of them to get a better sense of their characters.
I regretted not finding a way to fake taking that double shot of the starshine. Both because of the killer headache, but also because I worried about how it impacted my evening with Vaughn.
The man had the audacity to kiss the hell out of me in his office, and then suddenly changed his tune and decided to be a gentleman and put me to bed, cuddling me all night, instead of having his way with me, like I had offered.
How annoying.
How precious.
And I hadn’t been so tipsy that I’d missed the odd look of disappointment on his face when I’d suggested a ship fling, unless it had all been in my head. And then he’d opened up to me when he could have easily shut down my nosy questioning. But what man wouldn’t want a casual affair? They could get their dick wet without having to invest any emotional attachments. What wasn’t to like?
