Page 147 of Rush
We stare at each other and the tension is thick.
Finally I sigh. "Let's eat before the food gets cold."
We sit at my small kitchen table and eat in awkward silence for a while. The pad thai is good but I barely taste it. I'm too focused on my dad sitting across from me. He looks tired, older somehow, like the trip to Dublin and the confrontation with Rush took something out of him.
"How long are you staying?" I ask.
"Flying back tomorrow morning."
My stomach twists in pain. Already? "That's it? You came all this way for a few days?"
"I came to make sure you're okay."
"I'm fine, Dad."
"Are you? Because from where I'm sitting, you're in love with a man who scares the hell out of me."
I set down my fork. "Rush doesn't scare me."
"He should."
"Why? Because he made a mistake when he was thirteen?"
"Because he's capable of violence and you're too stubborn to see the danger."
"I'm not blind to who Rush is. I see him clearly. And yes, he's capable of violence, but he's spent eight years learning to control it."
"Control's not the same as eliminating the threat."
"No, but it's enough. Dad, Rush is terrified of hurting me. That fear keeps him in check."
Diesel leans back in his chair. "Has he ever scared you?"
"No."
"Not even once?"
"Not even once. He's protective, not aggressive. There's a difference."
"And if that changes? If one day he loses his temper?"
"Then we'll deal with it, but I don't think that's going to happen."
"You can't know that."
"You're right, I can't. But I can trust that Rush knows himself well enough to walk away before he crosses that line."
My dad studies me for a long second. "You really love him."
"Yeah, I do."
"Why?"
I think about how to explain it. "Because he's honest about his darkness instead of pretending it doesn't exist. Because he's trying every day to be better than his worst moment. Because when he looks at me, he sees someone worth choosing and that makes me want to choose him back."
"That's not enough."
"It is for me."
