Page 54 of Sublimate
“Is that why you called her to fix my paperwork problem? Because you thought that talking about me would get her off your back?”
“She’s not on my back, she’s just…”
“Interested, yeah, and you’re weirded out because she never was before. Right?”
“Right,” he told me. “But I called her to help you because I believed that she would succeed. Once she wants something,she’ll stop at nothing. I knew that she would pay bribes, threaten, blackmail...she has no scruples.”
“However it happened, she got it done.” I looked in the rearview mirror to check on my bag, which had a new wallet in it. That held my debit card from my bank and my magical Michigan driver’s license.
“And maybe I did want to show her that I was ok. Maybe I did,” he admitted. “I don’t know, though, because I’ve never done anything to seek her approval before. I don’t actually care what she thinks about me and my life.”
“Then why did you let her believe that you and I are seeing each other? No, she must believe that we’re very serious, because we’re living together.”
“I’ll tell her the truth,” Nolan announced, but I shook my head.
“No, don’t. Keep lying.”
“Why?”
“Because it sounds like she’s reaching out and trying to form some kind of bond with you. I think she was doing the same thing when we were at their house and she wanted you to spend the night.”
“She wants us to do that tonight, too.”
“See? She’s making an attempt to be a mom-like person. If you tell her that you were lying about me, then she might stop.”
“I shouldn’t lie,” he said. “We’re supposed to be honest about drinking, honest in our relationships, honest at jobs, honest all the time.”
“Nobody’s honest like that,” I countered. “We all lie, even to ourselves, and I’ve spent a lot of time lying to my boyfriends to cut down on the steam stuff. I mean, I lied to manage their anger. I would have told them just about anything to keep them calm and happy.”
“That was a safety issue for you. There’s nothing like that here.”
“It would be nice for you to have a mother-son thing going. But if it’s important for your sobriety to tell the truth, then do that. Tell her.” I paused, thinking. “Or, we could make it real,” I suggested.
“What? What do you mean?”
“You and I could be in a relationship. I mean, we already are,” I answered. “We live together. We do stuff together. We help each other—you help me a lot, and I try to help you, too. So in a way, it’s like we’re together for real. Except without sex, which you already told me that you’re not interested in. I’m not either,” I stressed. “If I never have to do it again, it will probably be too soon. I don’t mind if it’s gentle and it’s not like I never had an—”
“Viv. Vivi,” he interrupted. “Hold on, there. I just said that I don’t want to lie. The last thing I should do is to involve you in a bigger lie.”
“I’m saying that it would be true. Why do all relationships have to be the same? I don’t want the kind that I’ve had before. Do you?” I asked.
“Are you asking if I would I want the same thing I had with my former fiancée? No.”
I felt a weird shift in my stomach, like we’d just gone over a bump in the road. “Yeah, exactly,” I answered. “So, why not have something else? Both of us could.”
“Is this about you feeling guilty because you live with me? Are you trying to pay me back in another way?”
“Not through sex,” I answered. “Unless that’s what you want.”
“No. No,” he repeated. Then he looked out of the window and we didn’t talk much for the rest of the way to the hospital. He had other things to think about besides my suggestion, and it probably hadn’t been the right time to bring it up, anyway.
So, when the map told me that we were close, I spoke up again. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “You can just forget about what I said.”
“Are you afraid that I’m going to kick you out of the house? Is that why you made that offer?”
“No. And if you did kick me out, I would find somewhere else to go. I have a lot more opportunities now,” I answered. “I said it because I thought it was a good idea. This thing, the thing between you and me, is the steadiest and normal-est that I’ve ever had. Is that a word?”
“Maybe ‘the most normal.’ But I understand what you mean,” Nolan said. “It is for me, too.”
