Page 20 of Sublimate
“Can you ask her if she has it now?”
“I’m sure she doesn’t. I left home when I was fifteen and we used to talk sometimes but I haven’t reached out in years,” I said. “I have no idea how to find her, not even using Cadence’s tricks. Cadence is a librarian and she knows you because you went to school together.” He looked blank. “She played volleyball,” I hinted further, but he only shook his head.
“Fifteen is young,” he commented.
“I was an old fifteen. I had been taking care of myself for a while, so I was ok. I moved in with my boyfriend.”
“And then he threatened to kill you.”
“No, that was a different guy. But the one when I was fifteen also wasn’t very nice, and when I found someplace else, I left him. Imoved in with my new boyfriend, and then the one after him was the guy who wanted to kill me.”
“You went from man to man.”
I put down the burger I’d been eating. “I was in relationships. And what difference does it make if I did that?”
“It doesn’t make a difference and I’m sorry it sounded that way. I was trying to say that you were forced to depend on them, rather than getting by on your own.”
“I probably could have gotten by. You can rent places if you have enough money, even if you don’t have a passport or whatever. You can find jobs that don’t require you to fill out tons of details in an application,” I said. “But…I don’t know, I guess I’m used to being with someone.” I shrugged. “By the time I showed up here in Michigan, I was at the end. I was hungry and I had nowhere to go. I met Kolter and he said I could stay with him. He was nice to me. He was,” I insisted when Nolan looked doubtful. “He didn’t have to let me move in and he introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend—well, not to his mom, because she hated me at first sight. I’ve never had anyone react to me that strongly, except once, I thought I made a girl throw up. It turned out to be food poisoning that happened to kick in at the moment I walked into the room, so it was only bad luck.” I thought for a moment. “I must be feeling better because I’m being a blabbermouth again.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” he answered. “It seemed strange that you were so quiet when before, you had a lot of interesting things to say.”
“Thank you,” I said. “And thank you for this meal.” It was all empty paper now, because I’d plowed through a lot of it. “I talked so much that I didn’t ask you what your plans are.”
“Mine?” He looked over at the menu painted on the wall and thought for a while. “I want to stay sober.”
“Are you doing anything to make sure of that? I mean…” I hesitated, but he had never given me any indication that he would react like freshly baked bread and get steamed up. “I was thinking about your friends.”
“What about them?”
“The first time we met, it was because one of those people had done something really mean to you as a joke. I wonder if they’re nice,” I explained.
“Do you have nice friends?”
“I like Cadence at the library. I like you, too.”
Nolan seemed very surprised and his eyebrow went back up. “Thank you,” he told me.
“You’re welcome. I was going to say that I don’t know either of you well enough to count you as friends. I thought that you and I were going to see each other more this winter but I’m glad you dried out instead.” I wished that I had been aware of that, rather than thinking that I had annoyed him so he was staying away. It didn’t hurt my feelings but that would have been good to know.
“Maybe we could become friends now,” he suggested. “It’s something I keep hearing, recommendations to steer clear of people and situations that aren’t going to help with my sobriety.The crowd I’m usually with doesn’t count it as a virtue.” Now he looked out the window of the restaurant, toward his new car.
“How are they reacting to the changes you made?”
“Some of them knew I was going to rehab and they wanted to know why, because they didn’t see a problem. Some of them thought I was joking when I said that I was an alcoholic. One guy found out that I was back in town and he invited me to meet for drinks.”
“Holy bells. I mean, I don’t know a lot of stuff, but that’s obviously wrong. Or, is it nasty?” I wondered. “Like, he wants you to fail?”
“Why? Why would he want that?”
“He could be a genuinely awful person who gets happy when other people crash out. Or maybe he wants to keep things as they are, with you as his bar buddy. Would your friendship change a lot if you two went for coffee or…I don’t know. What do people do in a relationship besides drinking and sex?”
“They eat cheeseburgers and talk,” he suggested. “That’s a good way to be with someone.”
“I like it, too.” I smiled at him and he did back at me. “I’m concerned about you, though. You shouldn’t hang out with people who encourage bad habits.”
“You shouldn’t live with a guy who steals your money and tries to control you by smashing your phone.”
I didn’t mention that Kolter had disabled my car for a while, too. I had that back now and it was running ok, since the engine partsin the yard didn’t belong to me. “I’m working on that,” I simply said.
