Page 109 of Edging Coach
He shrugged. But his eyes betrayed the pain.
I wanted to demand if he was jealous. To point out the ridiculousness of it. Even if Lous and/or Claus were gay, I wasn’t going to make a move on a teammate. Not with the man I loved a foot away.
Yeah, I fucking loved Jack. I could no longer deny it. As he sat across the table from me, with his endearing brown eyes, I could admit defeat. And as long as I loved him, I wasn’t going to be with anyone else.
So you’re going to be alone until you retire? Or until one of you gets traded or moved to another city? Then you might be allowed, but what? Long distance relationship? And who the fuck says he’d wait for you?
Ouch.
True.
But ouch.
“I’m not, you know…with either Lous or Claus or anyone else. I’m not built like that.” We were still completely—and inexplicably—alone.
“Like what?” He glanced around. “You’re gay.”
“Yeah. But I don’t—”Shit.
“Don’t what?” His brow furrowed.
Go after someone when I’m in love with someone else.“Teammates, Jack. Too tricky.” I took a huge bite of my burger—hoping he’d take the hint.
He did.
We ate the rest of our meal in silence. When we were done, we put our wrappers in the recycling and our trays on the pile of dirty ones. Then we headed out to the deck.
Bracing. That was the only word I could use to describe the weather as we stood by the railing. A bitter wind off the ocean plus the forward motion of the ferry created quite a combination of cold. My hair whipped in the breeze as I huddled into my coat.
“You should be wearing a hat.” Jack glared.
“Okay…Mom…” I rolled my eyes. “You’re not wearing one.” In that moment, though, I stopped. I’d made a mom joke. I never made mom jokes—the pain was always too raw. Too close to the surface. Even after thirteen years. My gut clenched and my eyes stung with unshed tears.
“What is it?” Jack moved closer. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” I sort of bit out the word.
“Bullshit. That wasn’t nothing.” He stepped right up to me. We were the only two souls crazy enough to brave the freezing weather. And now the rain had started.
“We should go inside.” I had to try.
Jack shook his head. “Not until you tell me?—”
“You don’t have the right to demand that, Jack. You don’t own me. You’re nothing to me.”
He stepped back as if I’d slapped him. I wanted to take the words back the instant they left my mouth. I didn’t mean them. He was everything to me. And although I was the Dominant in this relationship, he owned me. Heart and soul.
“I wasn’t trying…” He pressed his fingers to his mouth. He drew in a breath even as the rain lashed us.
“I know you weren’t.” This time, I took a breath. “I was thinking about my mother. How proud she would be to see me play for Abbotsford. How she wanted me to succeed. How I’m a breath away from the big leagues, and if we do this”—I gestured between the two of us—“then everything will be fucked up. I’ll have to leave the game. Or you’ll leave and resent me for it. Or we continue in secret and?—”
“Gentlemen?”
We turned to find a BC Ferry employee squinting at us, wearing a rain slicker. “It’s not safe to be on deck. Would you mind coming back inside?”
My phone, in my back pocket, buzzed with an incoming text. “Yeah, of course. Sorry we made you come out here to get us. We were silly to be out here.” And now, soaking wet to boot.
Jack nodded, and we followed the employee inside.
