Page 77 of The Duke's Auctioned Spinster
“Our parents made their choices, and something horrible happened. But do you not remember how happy they were?”
“What use is happiness when it is fleeting? What use is anything when it ends? Why get married when it will only end in sorrow? Better to prevent it from happening at all,” Edmund said, although his words were hollow and he was not quite sure if he truly believed what he was saying.
Lydia wore a look of disdain as she shook her head.
“Edmund, I have thought many things about you over the years, but until now I have never thought you a fool. Look at yourself. You say you wish to avoid sorrow, and yet here you are, wallowing in it. What you are actually doing is depriving yourself of happiness, and if you believe that you will find it in some dark jungle out in the wild, then you are mistaken, because happiness only comes from within. If you feel you must leave, then do so, but I will not be there to see you off. You are making a mistake,” she said, and then left the room abruptly.
Edmund grabbed the bottle of port, but did not open it. He considered her words. He considered everything. There was a lot of truth to what Lydia said, and he could no longer avoid it. His mind returned to that fateful day when he learned of the fate of his parents.
Edmund, Charlotte, and Lydia had been called into the study. Agatha was there, and Edmund immediately knew something was wrong by the look on her face. There was another man present, someone he did not recognize, but who introduced himself as William Chamberlain, the family solicitor. He began speaking, but Agatha silenced him and gathered the children around her.
“Now, children, something has happened, something that is going to be hard to understand. Your mother and father always tried to be as safe as possible, but sometimes things beyond our control happen. I am afraid to say that they perished on their travels.”
Edmund stood there, a numb feeling in his stomach. It was as though he became removed from time, as though the world would continue to spin around him while he remained still and stoic. Then he felt sick. Agatha’s voice was muffled and distant.
“I know this is difficult and upsetting. There’s nothing we can do about that. I promise that I shall look after you, and we must try to be strong. It is what they would have wanted.” Then, she turned to Edmund. “Edmund, you must be strong for your sisters. You are the man of the house now. You are the Duke of Stonewood.”
It should have been an honor, but it was tainted by the manner in which he received the title. There were documents for him to sign, but they all passed in a blur for Edmund. He felt hollow and empty, as though he had lost something profound that he would never get back again.
On that day, he made many vows to himself. He vowed to make his parents proud. He vowed to take care of his sisters. He vowed never to feel that way again.
Was Lydia correct? Was Rose enough adventure for me?
He smiled when he thought of the way she challenged him, how she spoke her mind, and never shied away from sharing her opinion. He thought of her kiss as well, how sweet it was to touch her and feel her presence, how, when he was with her, he did not feel empty any longer.
And then he sank deeper into melancholy as he realized that he had already pushed her away.
“I love her,” he said softly, to an audience that only consisted of his shadow. It was neither a proud declaration nor a regret. It was simply a fact, and he started to realize that he suffered the very fate he had tried to avoid.
“You are right, Lydia. I am a fool, but there is not much I can do about it now. I have become lost in a maze of my own making, and there is no way out.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
“Will you come tonight, Rose, please? I am sure it would do you the world of good. It has been almost a week now, and I do not want you to be stuck in this house,” Margaret said.
“I do not feel well, Mother,” Rose said numbly.
“I think a night out would be beneficial. I know you are still grieving, but there is a time for all things to pass, and life must go on. There will be no pressure on you to dance with anyone. Just spend time with your father and me. I promise you will feel better, and it might help you to stop dwelling on... recent events,” Margaret said.
Over the past week, her mother made a sincere effort to stop referring to Edmund by his name or title. Rose sighed. Margaret was insistent, and Rose sensed that it would take more energy to argue with her than it would to simply attend the charity event. In truth, she was growing tired of sitting at home as well.There were not enough distractions to keep her amused, and her thoughts often returned to Edmund and the sorrow that clung to her stomach.
“Very well,” she said.
Jenny helped her get ready. As Rose was adding the finishing touches to her outfit, Jenny went to fasten the pendant around her neck. Rose shuddered, and her breath caught.
“Wait,” Rose said, holding up her hand. Jenny glanced at the pendant and wore an apologetic look.
“Apologies, my lady, I did not think…”
“It might be best if you lock that thing away.”
“Would you like me to get rid of it?” Jenny asked.
“No, that will not be necessary. It was a gift, and it would be rude to throw it away. But it might be best to keep it out of my sight. I would like you to do the same with the gloves.” Jenny immediately did as Rose asked.
Rose was quiet on the carriage ride. It was strange, really. Everything had gone back to the way it was before Edmund had unexpectedly entered her life, yet nothing would be the same after him. While there was no pressure on her to get married, she did not feel relieved by this. Her mind lingered in the maze, stuck in that moment when she and Edmund kissed.
She kept wondering if, had she said something different, there would have been another outcome. It was tormenting to live that moment over and over again, to think she would never see him again. When all this began, five promenades seemed far too many, but now that it was over, she realized they were all too few.
