Page 99 of The Fake Divination Offense
I don’t know where the question comes from. It doesn’t even sound like me. It’s brittle and trembling and small, and when I ask it, I get hit by a flash of who I was at Camp Merethyl.
That’swho asked that question.
Teenage Orok, curled up on his bunk at a camp where they’d beat my best friend if I failed. They tortured us and called ittraining.All the doctrine I spent my childhood adhering to—strength in physicality—got twisted against me, and everyone who taught me those original things, my mom and our church leaders, they all told me that if I was truly strong, I wouldn’t be in pain. If I was truly strong, I wouldn’t let the people at Camp Merethyl hurt me.
Seb cocks his head. “Again? When were you wrong before?”
I try to stand. “I’m tired. I didn’t mean to—”
“Hellno. Sit your ass back down. What do you mean?”
Bel’s right; not being able to deflect sucks.
I drop back on the chair and stare at the coffee table, spread with components for several different protection wards. Thio’s on the couch, and Seb stays at my feet.
“Urzoth,” I whisper. Tears come again; one leaks down my cheek. “I was wrong about Urzoth. What if I’m wrong about loving someone again?”
Because I loved him.
I did.
I was so devoted to our faith. I was obsessed with him—that’s where it started. My first obsession was Urzoth and I let it consume me, let itownme.Mineandhisin such an intermingled knot that I barely knew where I ended and Urzoth began. I gave it my everything, gave him sweat and blood and scars andscreams.
And when I needed him, when I really, deeply needed help, I gotnothing.
I was wrong to trust in that obsessive love. What if I’m wrong about Bel, too?
“Do you love me?” Seb asks, a gentle nudge.
I give him a flat look, seeing where he’s going with this. “Of course.”
“Were you wrong about that, too?”
Sometimes. Yes. I followed him to university. Made him live with me. Used him as a crutch when my night terrors got bad, and he became my security blanket.
But I got two degrees that I did, actually, enjoy. Did they help me in my career? No, but I couldn’t have foreseen playing pro rawball. And I didn’tmakehim live with me; he wanted to every time, and I think he needed it, too. Ifhe’dbeen the one having night terrors? I’d have been his blanket. I’d have done anything he needed. Itriedto do anything he needed.
I love him, and I was consumed in him, but it didn’t crush me like it did with Urzoth.
“You’ve been right about loving someone before, too,” Seb whispers. “The better question is: What if you’re right again?”
Tears come ruthlessly this time and I bury my face in my hands. “Shit,” I moan.
Seb rubs my back. “Get to bed, big guy. We’ll throw up these protection wards and crash in your guestroom. If that’s all right?”
I drop my hands so they hang between my knees. “Yeah. Please stay.” It’s always better if he’s nearby.
Seb smiles. “Then we’ll stay.” He stands, groaning as he stretches, and cracks his knuckles. “You’ll want to get gone, babe. I’m gonna summon Nick.”
Seb’s fox familiar gives him magic boosts, but Nick’s invisible and used to announce his presence by biting me. The tiny hat-wearing asshole hasn’t done that in years, thankfully, but it’s still a running joke.
I shudder and undercut it with a smile as I haul myself off the chair.
“Evil fox aside, you’ll be a great dad,” I tell him. To Thio, “You both will.”
Seb beams, nearly shining with the force of his smile. “Thanks, man. And you’ll be a great Uncle Orok.”
I don’t think I’ve ever giggled. I mean, I’m huge. Huge people don’t tend togiggle.
