Page 103 of The Lustrous Dark
Shay can't let that happen.
She has to do something.
She extends her spine, like an animal trying to make itself look bigger. It can't be all that bad. Maybe the hags will feel generous and take some of her pain. She certainly has enough of that to spare. “Where do we go to find these night hags?”
“Shay—” Shadi starts to protest, but Shay turns to him, planting a finger firmly to his lips.
“It's fine.” She quickly peeks into Najla's basket on the table, then leans over, removes her finger, and kisses him. Suddenly. Urgently. Pulling back when they both are breathless, and his sisters have had a thorough inspection of the floorboards. “It's fine.”
She knows she should come up with a better argument than those two woefully inadequate words, but he seems to understand what she isn't saying. That she needs to do this. Because while Jawad may ultimately be responsible for what happened to Hind, and Ghita, and Khawla, Shay still blames herself. Still feels like she needs to atone. And maybe if she does this one big thing, she will be able to finally forgive herself for every costly mistake she's made along the way.
“We can go to the dream caves tonight,” Marjan says, regarding Shay with a glint of newfound respect. “They're just inside the boundary of the forest.”
Shay nods. “I'll pack up Najla's things.”
Yara gasps, then sputters, “Y-you can't take ababythere.”
“It's too dangerous,” Marjan agrees.
“But I'm breastfeeding her,” Shay argues, assuming that will settle the matter.
“Can't you squeeze out some milk or something?” Marjan asks.
“She's not a cow!” Yara argues.
“Marjan's not wrong,” Shay says thoughtfully. “I could express milk and leave Najla with Shadi. He's so good with her. I just worry I won't be able to express enough. Or that she won't take it from a glass or spoon.”
“I can help with part of that,” Yara says. “My affinity as a hizoura revolves around remedies. Teas mostly, but everything from tinctures to soups. I could make a fortifying drink that will increase your milk flow, and you'll be able to leave enough to last Najla until your return.”
“I can help as well,” Marjan says, more quietly.
Shay turns toward the other sister, waiting for her to explain.
She clears her throat. “I, um, have some experience with sewing prosthetic breasts. If you have a bit of goat skin and a few other materials available, I can make a feeder that Shadi could strap onto his chest. It would simulate a real nipple. At least, I think it will be close enough to work in your absence.”
Shay sees it now. What Shadi was saying about Marjan having a golden heart. She smiles. “Thank you. I love that idea.” Then she turns to Shadi. “And will you fare well alone with the baby?”
“Of course,” he says, without hesitation. “Will you? Fare well leaving her?”
Shay turns to the wide-eyed infant. So small. So helpless. So utterly dependent.
Part of her is saddened by the thought of being away from her.
But part of her is relieved.
And Shay hateshow much.
She's also wise enough to know her relief is simply a feeling. A symptom of being overwhelmed, saddled with a new responsibility she was unprepared for.
It does not mean she loves her sister any less. Or that she won't continue to take good care of her. It will just be good to get away, only for one night—or maybe two if they succeed in locating the last hjabat. Even if she is going to the dream caves to open her mind to the mercy of creatures who scry dreams and steal fear.
She has to assume they won't be cute and cuddly to look upon either.
“I have to sleep in there?” Shay stares down the dark gullet of the dream caves, the lantern she holds up of little avail. Instead of casting a forward glow, thelight seems to cringe away. The shadows are so deep and still and solid, they've grown a skim of dust.
Her mother's face flashes in her mind. There's a feeling in the air here or, more accurately, an absence of feeling. A void. A heaviness that isn't heavy and a coldness that isn't cold. A feeling Shay is starting to recognize as death.
“We'll be with you,” Yara says empathetically.
