Page 72 of Stops Along the Way
“How would it be that different?”
I cross my arms, too, hugging them tight to my chest, balling up to make myself as small as I feel. “Because, Declan, I know you, and I trust you, but for some reason, the one thing thattrust can’t extend to is trusting that you wouldn’t immediately break up with me again.”
He considers this, running his thumb beneath his chin, his brow furrowed with concern.
I try to walk back what I’ve just said. “Which is putting a lot of pressure on something, you know? Like, we’ve never actually been in a relationship before. Maybe we’d quickly find out we’re not compatible. Yet it just seems like going into something a second time brings so many more expectations and…” I’m unsure if I’m even making sense to myself.
Declan leans toward me eagerly.
“What?” I ask softly, already having some innate sense that he’s going to say something that will put my mind at ease.
He reaches out and knocks a knuckle against my knee, sending shivers across my body. “I distinctly remember you telling me that history doesn’t actuallyrepeat.”
Somehow this is the most reassuring thing he could possibly say to me.
I reach to take hold of his hand. “You remember that?”
“Of course.” Declan interlaces his fingers with my own.
I smile but shake my head wistfully, feeling myself falling with so much momentum I can’t stop it, I can only try to see if his own logic could poke holes in this. “But what if I can counter that with some statistics? I don’t think it’s generally successful when couples break up and then try to get back together.”
He’s inching even closer to me in the back seat. “But were we together long enough to be counted in that data set? Like, wedidn’t get to the messy parts that usually break a relationship. There aren’t really bad habits or arguments to rehash. We could truly start fresh.”
It would be so much simpler if life offered a clean slate.
But then again, aren’t all the trials throughout the journey part of what makes living worthwhile?
The past has given me plenty to consider, and being here with Declan again, I wonder if I’ve built one particular roadblock too high. If maybe it’s time to circumvent? But at the very least, I can’t leave it unaddressed. With a nervous, pretending-to-be-more-unbothered-than-I-am chuckle, I say, “Except you did still dump me in that roller rink.”
Declan squeezes my hand. “What if I learn to roller-skate? Replace the negative with a positive?”
I turn away from him and sit upright. Declan follows my actions and slides farther down the seat from me, giving space. “What are we even talking about right now?” I ask, voice level. “How did we get on this subject? You were about to set me up with your roommate.”
He faces ahead toward the driver’s seat, briefly bouncing his leg as he says, “And I would’ve been a jealous wreck, so it’s a good thing we abandoned that idea.”
I stare at him, somehow wanting this more than anything but feeling too scared all the same. I had no idea I would see him today. There was no way for me to have possibly anticipated this conversation, even though moments like this have occasionally played out in my imagination for the last two and a half years. “Declan.”
“Iris.” He turns back toward me. I focus on his blue eyes and find them pleading. “What are we even risking? A friendship that’s grown apart?”
I tap my fists together several times, unsure how to broach what feels obvious. “Are you just lonely? You got out of a relationship not too long ago. I’m not here to be some backup plan.”
There’s not a moment’s hesitation for him to say, “You’renota second choice.”
“It seems exactly like that, though.”
“I’m not going to lie and say I was pining after you the whole time I was with someone else, but the only reason I even started dating anyone was because I thought you had shut the door on the possibility of us.”
“And I thought I did.”
“But now?”
I briefly bury my face in my hands, muffling my voice. “Declan, I don’t know if this would be a mistake.”
“My brother doesn’t think it would be a mistake. I don’t think your sister does either.”
“They really love conspiring against us.” I laugh. “Orforus, I guess would be more accurate.”
“You know what Grady said when he told me you were looking for a ride home?”
