Page 74 of Shapes of Love
My stomach hollows. “How long have you two been dating?”
“We’re not… dating.” His words are measured, but I catch the way he stiffens, as if pulling away from the screen. “We kissed a week ago. A little after New Year’s. But I wouldn’t say we’re dating. We haven’t talked… He lives here, and with my schedule… I don’t even know if we could make it work.”
He averts his eyes, his lips pressing into a tight line. That’s when it hits me. Asher doesn’t fall in love. Wasn’t that what he said, that night on the balcony?I can’t seem to fall in love, no matter how hard I try.
My expression hardens, the tempest of feelings curdling in my stomach crystallizing into protectiveness. “Don’t play with his heart, Asher.”
I don’t want Kai to go through that kind of pain again.I don’t want him to wake up one day and realize the person he’s with can’t love him in the same way he loves them. I already did that, and it almost destroyed him.
“I’m not.” Asher’s voice softens. “I wouldn’t.”
“You said you can’t fall in love.”
“I said I hadn’t.” He hesitates, then meets my gaze. “I… I’m not saying I love him. It’s too soon. I’ve just been confused. What I feel for him, I’ve never felt it for anyone else. It’s not platonic.”
“How can you tell?” I press.
“I don’t know. It feels different. Not better or worse, just different.” His face betrays a flicker of discomfort, like he’s struggling to articulate something complex. “Remember at your cousin’s party, when Kai handed me his bowl of grapes because they were smaller and easier to chew? My heart did this really gross thing it had never done before.”
“Poetic,” I say, but a little smile tugs at the corner of my lips, anawwanting to escape.
I’m torn between feeling happiness for them and sadness for me. I thought Asher was going to be uninterested in romantic relationships like me, but even he isn’t. I hate this rift between me and everyone else. Everything would be easier if I could just fall in love. If I could fit into the mold.
“I told you. Maybe I’m a romantic aromantic.” Myriad emotions swim in his eyes. “I’ve looked it up and you were right. I am aromantic. Or aromantic spectrum. I guess the term would be demiromantic?” A childlike smile lights up his face. “Kai is the only person I’ve felt… these things for.”
“These things?” I can’t help but smile, too. “I think you mean romantic love.”
“Well, yeah.” He snorts, but his expression darkens after a moment. “He’s crazy worried about you, you know? He loves you, too.”
Soon he’ll love you more.
Soon you’ll be holding hands on the sidewalk while I walk behind you, watching you laugh at jokes I don’t get. The thought twists my lips into a bitter smirk. “I know.” Shirley walks back into the studio right then, shooting me a look.Do you still need time?“I have to go now. I have to record.”
“Sasha—”
“Bye, Asher.” It feels more final than I intended it to. But maybe Mia’s right. I’m going to be alone, so I might as well accept it and get used to it.
I slump against my seat, returning the phone to Shirley.
“Drama?” They raise an eyebrow.
“Something like that.”
“Wanna turn it into a song?”
“I can’t put any of this in the album. Trust me.”
They give me a knowing smirk. “Who says it has to go in the album?”
I’m not surprised when I find Kai sitting by the sidewalk outside my house. I sort of expected him to show up when I didn’t answer the phone.
When our eyes meet across the street, the expression on his face is hauntingly familiar, like he’s replaying the details of our first breakup. Back then, we had a fight—I can’t even remember what it was about—and we didn’t speak for a few days. He showed up at my house unannounced, face honest and broken, just like he’s looking at me now, and we went into my room to talk. He told me he loved me. I told him the truth.
“Hey,” he says and springs to his feet, but he hesitates, waiting for me to approach him.
“Hi.” My hands tighten around the straps of my backpack. “Sorry I ran off.”
“Don’t apologize. I was just worried,” he chokes out. “Shit, Sasha, I—”
