Page 61 of Shapes of Love
“We’ve missed you, too,” he declares, switching to Portuguese. “Kai’s happier since you came back into his life, you know?”
I follow his gaze to a corner of the room, where Asher is talking to Kai. He says something that makes Kai laugh and look away. He looks so relaxed and happy—the sight makes me smile. Kai told me he came out to his grandpa after we flew back from London, and it was a special moment for them both.
“I’m so proud of how much you’ve both grown,” Vô Oliveira adds, but my stomach churns. I don’t know if I’ve grown. I feel like I have, but another part of me feels stuck.
After the song ends, Vô Oliveira marches off to the snack table. I look for Asher and Kai to find out what they were laughing about, but they’re nowhere to be found, so I retreat into Toni and Malvin’s bedroom to pet their golden retriever puppy. He’s napping under the bed and I don’t want to wake him up, so I head to the bathroom and climb out of theskylight that opens onto the edge of the rooftop in search of some solitude, only to find Mia sitting there.
“Copycat,” Mia jokes, her legs dangling over the ledge as she looks down at the party from the flat end of the window. A gentle breeze carries the distant hum of laughter and music, a burst of fireworks painting the night sky from a few streets away.
I take a seat next to her. Asher and Kai are in the distance, playing soccer with Sonia and a few other kids at the far end of the street.
“Kai and Asher have been spending a lot of time together lately, no?” Mia says, observing them from the rooftop.
“You should have seen them at first. They did not get along at all.” I smile, watching Kai steal the ball from Asher and kick it at my sister. “Oh, shit, I think Sonia just accidentally hit your cousin in the face with that football…” I turn to Mia, but she’s engrossed in her phone. I wonder if she’s texting Jason. “Earth to Mia?”
“Sorry. Sorry. What was that?” Mia rests her head on my shoulder, her whole body relaxing against me. She sighs and pulls out a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and a lighter.
My heart lurches. “You’re smoking again?”
She only smokes when she’s extremely stressed.
She exhales a puff of smoke. “Just for tonight.”
“Is everything all right?” A sudden fear creeps up on me. I used to be able to read her like an open book, but now there’s always this wall of missing information between us.
“Just school. Finals were hard.” She shrugs, but there’sthat sad look in her eyes. “And the internship. I’m at the end of my rope.”
“I wish there was something I could do to help.” I swipe my thumb under her eye. “Your mascara is running. Hold on.”
“Thanks.” She nuzzles her cheek on my palm. “It’s been so long since I had this much fun, you know? I’ve missed this.”
“You seem to be having a blast in New York, no?” I ask. I watch the stories she posts with her friends. She always looks like she’s having fun.
“It’s not the same. College isn’t the same without you,” she says. Guilt seizes my body. I know we have to follow our own paths, but I still feel like I could have done something different. “If you were there, I’d have someone to go to museums with, or join a paint group.”
“What about Jason? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind going with you.”
“He says it’s not his thing,” she says. “And I don’t want to go alone. Plus, I’d rather do all those things with… I don’t know, just not a man.”
A strange silence settles between us. This time I’m not sure how to break it, like we’ve run out of things to say. “You could come to some red carpets with me when you have time. There’s so much cutlery I’ve stolen.”
“I know! That fork you sent me a picture of at the fundraiser? Magnificent.”
Mia and I have a weird fixation with odd-looking cutlery. We used to get in trouble with our parents for stealing spoonsand forks at restaurants when we were little. We thought we were so slick about it, too, acting like we were spies on a mission.
“What’s new with you? Are you and Jason getting serious?” I loop my arm around hers, resting my head against hers.
“I feel like we’re always asking each other that lately: What’s new?” She exhales a tight breath, or maybe it’s the smoke from the cigarette. “I miss the way things used to be.” Her voice ripples across my skin. It’s not a plea, like when I say it, more like, an acceptance.
I swallow. “Have they changed?”
“No?” Her face contorts into a pained expression. “I mean, yes? Not emotionally. I just feel like we have different lives now.”
We do. And there’s no point in denying that. Even if we didn’t, even if Mia suddenly decided to take a gap year and follow me around the world, she wouldn’t be happy. There’s a rift between us. But still, shouldn’t there be a way to fix it?
“I’m free next week,” I say. I’m supposed to be at the studio, but my label likes our new demos, so it should be okay if I push it back a week. “I could visit you.” I hold my breath when Mia scrunches her face. “Unless you have to study—”
“Fuck studying,” Mia declares. She throws her arms around me so tight, I slide dangerously close to the edge of the roof. “We’re going to have the best time together, Sash. It’ll be just like old times.”
