Page 54 of Shapes of Love
“A few months. Less than a year.” He wrings his hands together.
“What made you realize it?” I ask. “If you want to tell me.”
“I… never had a huge realization moment. It was more gradual. I had always assumed I was straight because that’s what we’re told is the default. I like women, so I didn’t question it. Then in college I just… started noticing things. Or, allowing myself to notice. Like the way I look at guys isn’t just platonic, even though I thought it was. And when I imagine myself dating a guy, the more it seems like something that Iwould really like, actually. I also started reading more queer stories. They helped me find my inspiration to draw again. I wasn’t sure why at first. I just felt joyful and free in a way I hadn’t been in… well, never.” He grins, and it’s a smile I’ve never seen in all the years I’ve known him. Like he’s let go of something heavy, and he’s ready to take off running. “I don’t have a grand love story to share. Something just clicked into place one day. Like I had spent my entire life looking at myself in a foggy mirror, and it finally cleared.”
“I’m proud of you.” My voice is thick with the happy tears in my throat. “Really, Kai. You have this light about you. I’m happy you’re not letting it dim.”
But something about what he said gives me pause. When I look in the mirror, who do I expect to see? Sasha? Or Sassy?
“I kept thinking of you, you know?” he says, his voice pinched. “When we broke up, you said that you would have told me earlier if you’d known you were aroace. Back then I didn’t believe you. Because everyone justknowswho they like. Until I experienced it myself. When I figured out I was bi, you were the first person I wanted to tell. Except we weren’t speaking. And it was my fault. Because I didn’t listen, and I kicked you out of my life.” His voice holds a tremor. It makes me wish I could erase the sadness from it, that the good things about our relationship weren’t overshadowed by the painful echoes of our past.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there while you figured it out,” I say.
“It was my fault that you weren’t.” He shakes his head. “I promise I’ll be here from now on.”
I don’t know why that annoys me.
“You don’t have to say that. I know this is only temporary until the contract ends.”
A bittersweet feeling pools in my stomach. Society is built for couples. Everyone will get a partner one day, including Kai.
“You’re not going to lose me when the contract ends.”
“I know that, but…” I trail off. His brow furrows, so I smooth it with my finger. “You’re going to fall in love again one day. And I want that for you. It makes me happy seeing my friends happy.”
Except friends drift away. Everyone finds their person, someone who makes the rest of the world fade around them. I’m part of the world that will fade. It’s like that song.You’re nobody till somebody loves you.What if I’m cursed to be no one?
“What if I don’t?” He shrugs. “Love isn’t guaranteed for anyone. Most people rush into relationships anyway.”
I want to say he’s wrong, but part of me agrees. I don’t get why people treat being single as something they have to endure until they have a partner. Like it’s a war, and they’re in the trenches. Everyone would be happier if there wasn’t so much pressure to findthe one. If we all just enjoyed each other’s company regardless of whether it’s platonic, romantic, or something else. But reality is different, and I can’t do anything to change it.
“That’s true, but still, you will find someone,” I say. “You don’t have to be alone.”
“And you do?”
“I’m not saying that. I’m just being realistic. I’m aro. I don’t feel like I have the right—”
I don’t feel like I have the right to complain about my loneliness.I hate myself for thinking this way, but I’m the one who’s different. I can’t ask society to change to fit me. I already tried to change to fit into society, and look where that got us.
“You don’t have to be alone, either, Sasha. And you’re not losing me again, so shut up.” He flicks my forehead with his finger. I grunt and swat his hand away, but he catches it and closes his fingers around my wrist. “Okay, how about this? If I don’t fall in love, would you take pity on me and continue to be my platonic partner?”
“That’s not even a thing, is it?” I snort.
“Why not? We could be roommates. Except we’ll actually be just roommates.”
“Historians will call us lovers,” I tease, but he sounds dead serious. My heart twists.Don’t go there.A life together isn’t a promise he can keep. But I can’t help the relieved sigh that escapes me. “Fine. If you don’t fall in love, you can live with me. I’ll buy us a house in LA.”
Don’t go there.Kai will find someone, too, someone who he’ll care about more than he cares about me. I don’t want to get my hopes up designing a future I know won’t happen. No one chooses friendship over love.
“I don’t need you to support me. I can pay my own bills. We could also rent something affordable in London someday. I like how walkable it is.”
“I like it here, too,” I say, and then add out of nowhere, “I’d like to try living in Spain for a while. Not now, but at some point. I’d also love to visit your family in Brazil with you. You could show me around.”
He looks at me like I’m talking crazy, but a sneaky smile betrays him. He’s in. “My cousins will tease you endlessly about your Portunhol.”
“Excuse me? Cara, eu falo muito bem,” I say.
“Zeguro,” he quips, switching to Spanish mid-laugh. “Zi, zi.”
