Page 47 of Shapes of Love
She looks behind us until she spots him inside, dancing with Matt.
She laughs. “To get lucky? Yeah, that sounds like Asher.”
My head spins. I had no idea Asher was queer, which is my fault for assuming. But I mean, he’s only ever dated women—
Oh.
It’s an illusion. Everything. Everywhere. All the time.
“Do you mind if I have a quick smoke?” Rosa asks. She pulls out a lighter. I shake my head, leaning both hands on the railing. “¿Hablas español, no?”
“Oh? Sí, mi madre es de España,” I say.
My mom is from Spain.
“Me encantan Andalucía y Asturias. Got any recommendations? I want to travel to Spain again sometime soon.”
“Oh, um… I’ve only been there a handful of times. So, I’m not sure…” I offer a polite smile. I feel sort of out of place saying I’m Spanish. Mamá is my only tether to the culture. “It’s complicated.”
“How so?” she asks. “If you want to tell me. No worries if not.”
“I… well, when my mom came out to her family, they didn’t take it well,” I say. “So she went no contact, even after having me and my sister. It was hard for her.”
It happened before I was born, and Mamá never talks much about it. She says that she’s fine because Mom’s family is her family, too, but her eyes go a little dim when she shares stories of her childhood. There’s a part of her that she left behind and will never get back, a part of her I’ll never get to meet.
“She has an amazing group of friends in Spain, though, so when we visit, we often see them,” I continue. “I just haven’t had the chance to spend much time there myself. I’d like to go back at some point. Maybe live there for a few months? I don’t know. I’m not sure what to look for if I do. It’s Mamá’s home, but I’m not sure how to make it mine.”
I’ve lived in the States all my life. There’s this disconnect I can’t mend.
“That’s okay. I get it, in a way.” Rosa takes a drag from her cigarette. “My family is from Cuba, but my parents moved around a lot for work when I was little, before settling in London. I don’t get to visit my family as much as I would like, and when I do, I feel like I don’t fully fit in with my cousins the way I used to, at least not completely. Growing up in London I never felt like I fully fit in with the people around me there, either. Like I was waiting for a piece of myself to return, to click into place.” We share a glance, and she shrugs, but something blazes in her eyes. I don’t prod,unsure if I should. “But maybe it’s okay to exist in the space we make in between places. Home is nothing but yourself.”
“It’s lonely though,” I say. If home is nothing but myself, why does my house feel empty?
Mia’s words rush back to me.Don’t forget to come home.
I’m not sure where or what my home is anymore.
A pause stretches between us. I wait for her to say something else, but she doesn’t. Wisps of smoke billow from her lips, dissolving into the night air.
“You must have questions… about me and Asher.” She hesitates, glancing at her ring. “He did ask me to PR date, but it’s not what you think.”
“You don’t need to tell me. I understand it’s personal.” My grip tightens around the railing. “We all have secrets.”
“I’m tired of secrets. They’re fucking heavy to carry around all the time.” Her lips twist into a scowl. “I’ve been dating my girlfriend Tara for a while, but when some pictures of us holding hands leaked, I panicked, because I hadn’t come out publicly.” She looks down. “I know a lot of actors are out, but this is my first big role, and my agent was worried that coming out would limit my career options. Also,Fridayfans really ship my and Asher’s characters. I’m worried about how they’ll react if I shatter their expectations. I’m worried about Tara’s safety. I don’t know. Maybe I’m a little paranoid. Or maybe I’m just a coward.”
“You’re not a coward.” My voice rings with a resolution I didn’t know I had. “You don’t owe anyone anything, let alone an explanation about your life. And your fear is valid. Some fans are crazy.”
If you show them you, the real you, you’ll disappear.My stomach sinks when I remember Asher’s words. Is this how it’s going to be the rest of my life? Offering the world a version of myself that’s not real?
I don’t know if the idea of Sassy protects me or hurts me. It’s easier to be the straight, lovestruck girl everyone expects me to be. I just don’t know if I like her very much.
“I don’t want the person I love to be a secret anymore. Neither does Tara.” When she smiles this time, her whole face relaxes. “You took me by surprise yesterday. I was afraid you would out us. That I wouldn’t get to do things on my own terms. My breakup with Asher is fresh in people’s minds, so Tara and I need to wait a bit. Otherwise things would get really messy—people would think I cheated on Asher, or realize we were PR from the start.”
“I’d never do that. I promise.” I give her hand a light squeeze. We hardly know each other, but I hope my words ring true to her.
“I believe you.” She squeezes back. “But anyway, since I’m getting married, Asher and I have decided to end the contract. He’s been promoted to best man. But he’s by far the best, well, the only, boyfriend I’ve had. He’s sweet, once you get to know him.”
She unlocks her phone to check the time, and I catch a glimpse of her lock screen. It’s a picture of herself and a few other people at a house party, Asher among them. They’re definitely close, just not in the way I assumed. I thought Asher wanted to PR date me to make Rosa jealous, but it’s obvious that there’s nothing between them other than friendship.
