Page 14 of Shapes of Love
“What about…” She sighs, her voice dropping all of a sudden. “Do you ever wish you had someone?”
“Like a partner?”
“Yeah, I mean, I don’t know. Just someone. Your person. All my friends here are in relationships.” She fidgets with the string of her jacket. “Sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a boyfriend. Someone to cuddle with at night.”
Her admission gives me pause. This is new. I’ve never heard Mia say she wants a boyfriend. She’s had a couple of crushes over the years, but she was too busy studying and always wanted to keep things casual.
“You can hug a pillow. Or a weighted plushie. That’s what I do,” I suggest, half serious, half joking. “Kind of the same thing, to be honest. And at least the pillow doesn’t steal your blanket.” Mia laughs and rolls her eyes, then throws me a teasing look. “What? You know I’m right. You don’t need anyone.”
“I don’tneedanyone, but maybe I want… I don’t know…” She shakes her head. “Never mind. I’m just sleepy. So, where do you and Kai stand? I was so confused when he picked up.”
It’s my turn to sigh. “I don’t know. I haven’t had time to process seeing him yet. But even if we never speak again, I’m glad we were able to clear the air.”
I’m glad we forgave each other, or at least started to.
“Just be careful.” Her lips twist. “And I doubt it’s the last time you’ll speak.”
I scoff. “I’m not gonna fall in love with him or something.”
“I know, I know. It’s not you falling in love that I’m worried about,” she says. “I just don’t want to see either of you hurting.”
I don’t want to hurt Kai, either, but I wish I could keep him in my life somehow. I’ve missed him. Maybe that makes me selfish.
“Let’s talk about something else.” I shift under the covers, placing the phone next to me while I lay on my pillow. I love being aroace, but sometimes I feel like it’s a curse as much as it is a blessing. Everything around me keeps reminding me that life would be easier if I wasn’t.
“All right, let’s.” Mia places her phone on her vanity while she does her makeup. “What’s new with you?”
“Not much. I had to do press. Followed by doing press. More press. What about you?”
“Studying. Followed by studying. More studying…” She applies concealer under her eyes.
“How’s your internship?”
“I’ll tell you some other time. My brain is fried.”
There’s a long pause neither of us fills. I chalk it up to both of us being sleepy, but it’s been happening more and more lately, these silences. It’s like we’re running out of things to say.
I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t worry me.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to go to college together, Mimi,”I blurt out. If I had, we would be making memories together instead of telling each other about the memories we made with other people.
Mia gives me a long, hard look I don’t know how to interpret. “College is only a few more years. We can move in together afterward. I’m not staying in New York.”
“I’d love that.” I smile, pushing away the unease in my chest. I can already picture us in a two-bedroom apartment, decorating our couch with too many plushies, driving to the grocery store at midnight, taking turns to make dinner, sorting through our laundry because we always end up wearing each other’s clothes.
“Gotta go. Jason’s here.” She grins and waves at me. “Love you! I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? Just pick up! It always takes me like, five tries.”
“Okay, I’ll try. Love—” The call ends, and I’m left staring at my own reflection on the screen.
Be careful.Mia’s words ring across the darkness. Maybe it’s the exhaustion, or maybe it’s that comment someone left me, about how aroace people are bound to die alone, but I can’t keep my mind from spiraling. I thought being aro just meant not having a romantic partner, not that it would mean being alone. How can I be alone when I have my friends and family? But lately it feels like everyone I care about is drifting away. It’s just me and my work, and everyone else is on the periphery.
Is this what the rest of my life is going to look like? If the only way to keep someone in my life, to build together, is to be in love, does it mean I’ll never be someone’s priority?
Dread fills my stomach, so I push myself to my elbows and reach for my phone. I may not run in real life like Mia, but I can definitely run from my thoughts.
Let’s see.A new chapter of a manga I’m following should be dropping right about now—
I sit up, my stomach sinking when I come face-to-face with a panel of my favorite character, dead on the battleground. All other thoughts are cast from my mind as I scan the pages.No! This can’t be! It’s so tragic.
