Page 73 of I'm Gonna Get You Back
Mom arches an eyebrow. “Yes, mija. Need I remind you who the mother is here?”
I really don’t want to answer that.
The silence grows, so I say, “I was just going to make some food. Want anything?” If I don’t make her something, she won’t eat the rest of the night.
She nods, her eyes going heavy. Like that conversation took all her energy. I watch her a moment, trying to tamp down the terror I feel whenever she’s this low. Trying to trust that this one will pass like all the others have.
Armed with a task and somewhere for all this agitated energy to go, I head to the kitchen, trying not to get swallowed by my own creeping anxiety.
Earlier, I was feeling excited about filming again, about making this documentary. I got a lot of interesting interviews this morning before and during the Fun Run, and the story map is coming together in my mind faster than ever.
But what if it’s all bullshit? One setback and my mom abandoned it all. I always thought I’d be different, but what if I’m not?
What ifthisis my life—watching everyone else succeed while I… don’t?
I’m so lost in thought while I pull the chicken mole leftovers, tortillas, and Spanish rice out of the fridge, I startle when my phone buzzes in my pocket.
Reid:You’ll never know how sorry I am.
Pulse thundering, I stare at the words. Stare at Reid’s name and the contact photo I never had the heart to delete. The picture is of the back of him as he lies across my lap—his sharp profile, my hand in his hair, and his fingers curled against my leg where he was absently rubbing it.
It was such a simple, soft moment that I never wanted to forget.
Because even though he claimed that I didn’t let him in, he was the first person I ever really had. Theonlyperson who made me feel less alone.
Something lurches in me.
I could let what happened between Reid and Delaney go and forgive him. Or I could ask Reid for every excruciating detail all over again so the pain serves as the armor I need against him. I could tell him all the ways I miss him.
But then a different image flashes through my mind, the one Legacy Lore posted of Reid leaning in close to Delaney. Of her looking up at him like they were sharing a secret.
Given how good we are at hurting each other, I know what I need to do.
A hollow feeling takes over as I do it.
CHAPTER NINETEENREIDNOW
@haikuforyou
Pushing past the break
The sea floor too far to reach
Without us sinking
FUCK.AT HOME INthe shower, I slump against the cold tile as the reality pushes in of how irreparably I’ve fucked up. I should’ve tried harder to explain. To tell her how much I regret it. That I’ve wanted her and only her since I met her.
But in the moment, my brain overrode my heart. Because telling her that would’ve freaked her out in a different way. While I know she cared about me, she never felt for me the way I did for her. Neverwantedto know how I felt. If she did, she wouldn’t have pretended like that card I gave her didn’t even exist.
Though I send her a text now trying to convey the depth of my remorse, I don’t expect her to respond.
I pull on a plain black T-shirt, gym shorts, and my knee brace, then make my way to the kitchen to hunt down something to eat.
On the table, I find a note for me and Mitchell from Julianne saying she and Dad will meet us at the Shakespeare play later tonight but that our picnic is packed and ready to go in the fridge. She could’ve just texted us. But she always does these small mom things, even for me. It used to annoy me. Like she was trying too hard to be my mom.
But now I understand that it’s because my mom didn’t try to be one at all. I rub my finger down the note, grateful for her all over again.
I grab an ice pack, and the leftover lasagna from the fridge, and eat it straight out of the dish. Mitchell’s door busts open down the hall, and he saunters into the kitchen wearing a bulky Woodhurst High Wrestling sweatshirt. But his smile falls when his gaze locks on my leg propped up. The ice pack.
