Page 117 of Strange Familiars
Inside me, though, everything is writhing, crumbling, disintegrating into dust.
I steel my resolve. There is nothing left for me on the outside. Nothing. No more university. No job. No family. My father is in a coma, and even my familiar—my own mother—has betrayed me. The only thing left that’s worth anything is Gwendolynne. And whatever it takes to convince her to save herself—I need to do it.
It’s what we tell clients sometimes, when it comes time to euthanize their pets: Sometimes, the kindest gift we can give a loved one is to let them go.
“If you’re out there,” I continue, my voice fueled by urgency, “you’ll have a better chance of figuring out how to fix this. Then, when you have, you can come back in and rescue me.”
I’m lying, of course, about her coming back to save me. There’s no way I would want her risking herself again. But I’m hoping that once she escapes, she’ll realize how much she still has to live for. Out there, outside the Void.
And even if she never figures out how to stop Magecorp, or the MLO, or save everyone from my Source, I am hoping that eventually she will move on. Come first. Get the Ministry job. Just…live.
I cannot let Gwendolynne sacrifice herself for me. Can’t let her throw away her dreams. Perhaps it’s never been a priority for me in the past, but falling for Gwendolynne has taught me that there’s more to life than winning, than always being the best.
I mean, she put herself at risk to save Percy. She relentlessly pursued the top spot—not because she wanted the money or the glory, but so she could save her family. And even though I don’t deserve it, even though I’m a shitty person, she still finds it in her heart to want to saveme.
I would be an absolute fucking fool if getting closer to her didn’t force me to become a better man.
She’s silent for so long, while the cave quakes around us, that for a moment I think I’ve got her. That she’s seen the merit in my plan and has agreed to leave. But then her shoulders straighten. She pulls away from me, and I’m surprised to see that, even though her whole body is still shaking, she’s not crying.
“Iwillfigure it out,” she says through clenched teeth. “In here. With you.”
The entire cave judders, so violently, and another chunk of rock crashes to ground. It sends plumes of dust into the air, coating our hair, clothes, and faces.
But I barely notice. Instead, a bleak sort of resignation clicks into place inside me. It’s determination. Purpose. Resolve. My gut feels hollow to the point of aching.
Already in my mind, a new plan is forming. I’m switching approaches. Analyzing my options. Doing a risk assessment.
Strategizing.
For in the end, I cannot escape it: Iammy father’s son.
Ignoring the noise and the chaos around us, I pull her closer and kiss her forehead—hard. I want to clasp her to me and tell her it will be all right, that everything will work out. I want to hold her and never, ever let her go. But I can’t. I cannot fail her.
And to be honest, I hate myself; I hate that I have to do this. I would never, in a million years, willingly betray her. Yet here we are. And even though every last cell in my body is screaming at me not to do it—the thing that will fuckingdestroyme—I must keep reminding myself that this is what’s best for her.
This…is therightthing to do.
With both hands, I cradle her face. “Okay,” I whisper, into the infinitesimal space that divides us. “We’ll figure it out…together.”
Her brown eyes are wide, her eyelashes all caked with dust. As I watch, two single tears slip down each of her cheeks. Staring at her intently, I commit her face to memory. Even covered in grime…she is beautiful.
I can barely form more words. But somehow, I manage to choke some out. “Gwendolynne.” Finally, tears well in my own eyes, making my vision as opaque as a blurry, rain-washed window. I lean my forehead against hers. “The portal is going to close soon.”
“I know.” She reaches up, her hands around my neck, and pulls my face down.
We kiss. Her lips taste like salt and sadness. I don’t know if it’s from her tears or mine. Perhaps it’s both.
We stay like this, locked in an embrace, her arms thrown around my shoulders, my hands gripping her waist. And the whole time, cracks are feathering along the walls, rocks are raining down upon us, and the entire ground is shuddering. The Void, now, is on the cusp of collapse…
I can’t let her go.Fuck.I love her so much and I’m a complete imbecile for not having realized sooner. I should tell her. Tell her everything. Before it’s too late.
But…it would only make matters worse. And the portal is shrinking farther. I’m running out of time.
I’ve messed up so many things in my life. Put my trust in the wrong person: my mother. I’d always thought of her as guiltless, a pure, shining light illuminating my early years. Until I learned that everything I thought I knew was a lie. That she’d betrayed me.
I’ve been emotionally alienated from my father, burning up with hatred and vengeance, not caring that he was on the cusp of dying, even wishing I could kill him myself.
I’ve been ignorant, so ignorant, about how my actions impact others. I’ve used my privilege to manipulate people, to hold themhostage to my whims. I’ve used my wealth and my power to exploit those who I felt were beneath me.
