Page 59 of Sweet Surrender
“I want to apologize.”
Rowyn’s traitorous heart still managed to flip at the sound of Eliza’s voice, despite its current bruised state. She had spent a long night moving between regret, sadness, anger, and resignation. She had spent an even longer day researching options while the kids were in school as she waited for the inevitable conversation about how their arrangements, both personally and professionally, were over. A conversation that wasn’t supposed to happen for another two days.
“I’m not stopping you.”
Rowyn had meant the words jokingly, in her usual attempt to break through tension with humour. Unfortunately, her brain hadn’t been fully onboard with the plan, and it ended up sounding far more snarky than playful. Eliza gestured toward the second deck chair beside the one Rowyn was occupying.
“Can I sit?”
It’s your chair. Your house. Your family.
Rowyn bit her tongue to stop the words from tumbling out and settled on a non-committal shrug. She would keep her words to a minimum and let Eliza put in the work. The evening was mild, so Rowyn had settled out here once Eliza had taken over with the kids. She had a colouring book in her lap and was halfway through a colourful under the sea image.
“They have good adult colouring books now. I saw a few in the stationery store at the airport, they seem popular,” Eliza said.
Rowyn continued with the fish she was currently making a bright green and orange design.
“I have some adult ones, but I prefer the regular kids’ ones. I do this to let my brain switch off, so when the adult ones had me spending too long trying to count lines to make the designs exactly how I wanted them, I figured it was defeating the purpose. The kids’ pictures are usually more fun, straightforward, and less stressful.”
So much for keeping her words minimal. It was a trait Rowyn didn’t have in her. She had spent years of her life regretting how much she shared with people who didn’t always want, or deserve, that much information about her. It was a fight she would never win, and one she had come to accept as a part of who she was.
“That makes sense. The kids are asleep, so I wanted to talk, but if you need to be alone it can wait.”
Part of Rowyn wanted to say yes, she did want to be alone. That she had wanted to talk last night, and Eliza refused. That she wasn’t going to talk now because Eliza decided it was time. However, Rowyn also wasn’t good at holding back or waiting, and the truth was that she did want to talk. It would bother her more than anyone to say no out of principle.
“You can talk. What are you apologizing for?” Rowyn asked.
She deserved an apology, but she wasn’t looking for a generic one that showed no actual consideration.
“I was tired and angry last night. Most of that anger was at myself, but I unfairly directed it at you. I know you were doing what you felt was best by letting Amelia confide in you, and if things had gone to plan, it would have been what was best. It was a series of unfortunate events that hit on some of my sorest spots. Namely, feeling like I don’t know enough about my kids, and letting them down. I should not have blamed you for that, and I should not have implied that I can’t trust you with mychildren. That’s the furthest thing from reality.”
Rowyn looked up at Eliza and gazed into the eyes that days ago made her feel more seen than she ever had. Eliza’s eyes held sincerity, but the warmth they had radiated for her the past few weeks was still missing.
“Okay, I accept your apology,” Rowyn said as she continued her picture.
Eliza sat unmoving as the sound of the colouring pencil gliding along the page stood out in the otherwise quiet evening.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I still have a lot to figure out, but I didn’t want to wait until Saturday to give you the apology that you deserved last night,” Eliza said.
Rowyn looked up again and regretted the action almost immediately. Beneath the carefully worded statements and the even more carefully constructed walls, Elle was still there. Her Elle, the one who would comply with every demand she set without fail. The one who would do so with adoration in her eyes and a soft smile on her lips reserved solely for Rowyn.
Rowyn was close to certain she could break through those walls tonight. She could have Eliza back in her arms, and bed, with little more than a few words. It took all of Rowyn’s strength not to fling the colouring book onto the floor and kiss the warmth back into Eliza’s eyes and remind her of what she was figuring it all out for. But if Rowyn did that, she could be back in this same place next week, or month, or anytime something happened to remind Eliza of all the fears she had yet to work through.
“I have things to figure out too. You were right, we can’t give this the attention it deserves until we have time for an uninterrupted conversation. I appreciate the apology, and we can talk more at the weekend, once we’ve both figured out what there is to say.”
Eliza hesitated, as if it wasn’t the response she was expecting.Did she want Rowyn to beg her to make it work? To ask that they figure it out together, as a team? It was something Rowyn had considered saying, it was the romantic thing to do, right? Work it out together, fight every obstacle, let love conquer all.
But this was real life, with real people and real children in the mix. It required more than whispered promises and half-baked plans made between kisses. They both needed to decide what they wanted and figure out if those things aligned. Not sit and try to shove pieces together that might be from different puzzles.
“I’m taking the kids to the cinema after their game on Saturday before I drop them to Henry’s. I know I said to take the day off, but Amelia asked if you were coming with us, so I promised I’d ask. You’re welcome to if you don’t have plans.”
Rowyn stopped the immediate yes from slipping out. You would think after a week taking care of the children that spending even more time with them would be the last thing she would want, but the truth was the idea of the four of them doing something as mundane as a cinema trip was everything she wanted.
But Eliza hadn’t asked her to come. She hadn’t said she wanted Rowyn there. She had relayed a request from Amelia, and at this point, that wasn’t enough anymore. Rowyn needed to keep hold of the boundaries Eliza had put back in place until she had clarity. It was the least she could do to protect her already fragile heart.
“Thanks, but I’ll let Amelia know I can’t make it. I have things to figure out before we talk, so I’ll take the time to do that while I’m here alone.”
Eliza’s eyes were on her, but Rowyn kept her gaze firmly on the page. One look into Eliza’s eyes and she would crack, she was sure of it. Everything in her body screamed that this was wrong. This wasn’t them, it never had been. Even before they had allowed themselves to pursue the clear attraction between themagain, they had never been this…formal. Stilted. Unnatural. It wasn’t how things should be, but it was the only path forward until things were clear. Rowyn had never been good at holding anything back, so if she gave even a little more than necessary she would be all in again.
