Page 55 of Sweet Surrender
“I’m proud of me too. I wish Mom was here. She would be extra proud.”
Rowyn was happy she had stopped recording there. No need to rub salt in the wound when Eliza watched it later.
“She will be when you show her later, I got it all on video. She’s going to be so surprised,” Rowyn said.
“She’s gonna feel bad that she missed it. At least I’ll get to race again now since I qualified, so she can see that. She won’t miss it when she knows it’s important. She’s always there for the big stuff.”
Rowyn wished she had kept that video rolling now. It would mean a lot for Eliza to hear Amelia say that, and the fact that Amelia was being far more understanding than Rowyn had been was telling. Clearly, Rowyn’s own childhood and parental absence had affected her in ways that Amelia wasn’t experiencing, and this was proof of that.
“Plus, she’s always here more now since she likes Rowyn and all. Bet she’ll be back for dinner tonight and they’ll talk foragesabout boring stuff,” Elliot said.
“Oh, will they now?” Henry asked with a voice full of amusement.
“Who wants ice cream?” Rowyn said quickly.
It had the desired effect of having the kids yell excitedly and speed toward the car as Henry said his goodbyes to head back to work. Her stomach churned at the idea of the not so boring things she and Eliza would have to discuss. She had some apologizing to do about the way she reacted last night, along with dealing with Eliza’s reaction to not knowing about Amelia’s race and missing it. On top of all of that, she now had to inform Eliza that there was a good chance her ex-husband and the father of her children had a suspicion that they were sleeping together.
Considering how Eliza had reacted at the mention from Amelia that Eliza liked Rowyn, she was not going to take it well that Henry had figured them out. Rowyn could hardly comprehend how quickly things had changed again. It had been a few days since Eliza was talking about telling the story of how they met in years to come, and now Rowyn wasn’t sure there would be a happy ending to that story at all.
Eliza was going to panic, that much she was sure of. She was likely to try pushing Rowyn away, and Rowyn needed to be firm and calm and the voice of reason. She had thought a lot since her conversation with Avery about how much of a leap this was forEliza, and Rowyn needed to be the one to make that path a little easier. She had far less on the line here, except for her heart, but she would be fooling herself if she didn’t admit that that was already dangling from the precipice.
Rowyn spent the rest of the day managing the kids’ excitement at Amelia’s win and far too much ice cream and nervously glancing at the door awaiting Eliza’s return. Eliza had all but told her to make herself scarce this evening, but Rowyn wasn’t going to take the bait. They would all have dinner together, and she would help them work through the excitement and sadness and guilt around Amelia’s race. Then once the kids were settled they would talk. It wouldn’t be resolved in a night, but they could make a start and that would be enough.
“Mom!”
Amelia’s voice echoed as she ran toward the door where Eliza had walked through. Rowyn stood as her nerves kicked into higher gear. The minute her eyes landed on Eliza where she stood hugging Amelia, her heart flipped. She was so goddamn beautiful, even if she was clearly exhausted. All plans for conversations after bedtime went out of her head, and all Rowyn wanted to do was run Eliza a bath and let her rest.
“Hey,” Rowyn said tentatively as they entered the kitchen.
“Hi,” Eliza said.
Her voice was neutral, and her eyes didn’t meet Rowyn’s, but that was to be expected.
It will be okay.
Rowyn spoke the words in her head as it became obvious that the cold walls around Eliza were firmly in place.
“I qualified, Mom. I’m going to compete in the Primary School Sports. Not only that, but I also won.Firstplace. Can you believe it?”
“I…What?”
Eliza looked at her daughter in puzzlement as she tried tofit the pieces together. Rowyn watched the exact moment the words sank in. Eliza digested the meaning behind them and probably realized why today had been so important. Rowyn was impressed by the expert way Eliza forced a genuine-looking, wide smile across her face, while praise and adoration began to fall from her lips as Amelia soaked it all up. Beneath it all, though, the devastation in Eliza’s eyes stood out to Rowyn, which she had no doubt was compounded by guilt. Guilt Rowyn had helped nurture.
“Rowyn’s got it all on video to show you. Come watch, I did so good.”
Amelia tugged Eliza over to where Rowyn stood still as Elliot jumped up and down beside her. He was almost prouder of his sister than Amelia was of herself. Rowyn fumbled with her camera and finally pulled up the video as she handed it over to Eliza. Who had still barely glanced her way.
Rowyn’s heart ached as tears gathered in Eliza’s eyes. They would look like tears of pure pride to anybody else, and no doubt pride was in the mix. Along with sadness, longing, and a healthy dose of that same guilt. Rowyn wished more than anything that Eliza could have had the chance to experience the uncomplicated tears of pride that Rowyn and Henry both did.
In the grand scheme of things, it would be a blip in the story they had to tell, though, right? They would go to the Primary School Sports together and cheer on Amelia side by side. Afterward, they would celebrate or commiserate with her and tell her how proud they were no matter what. They would get ice cream and barely remember the one race out of many more to come that Eliza missed. They would dismantle Eliza’s walls again and find the balance and boundaries that worked for them both.
We will be okay.
“You can go. I’ll sort dinner.”
It took Rowyn a moment to hear the words that Eliza had spoken to her. Her head shot up as they repeated in her brain.
“I told Amelia we could get pizza for dinner to celebrate, I hope that’s okay. I’ve got the order ready to put in. I was just waiting for you to get back.”
