Page 23 of Sweet Surrender
Rowyn reached to the other side of the table and grabbed a couple of sheets of paper. She placed them in front of Eliza and pointed to the various pictures and words.
“She made a visual plan for our day complete with a map and everything. When you said you’d be late earlier, I was prepping them so they would be okay with me doing bedtime and I told her we would forgo a book tonight and I’d use these drawings to tell her the story of tomorrow’s adventure. So, she had an expectation of how tonight would go, and I think that that change threw her from the get-go. Then adding in that her grand plan for tomorrow would be changing as well put her over the edge.”
Eliza looked through the colourful, detailed drawings Amelia had done and sighed.
“I should’ve gotten you to debrief me on the day first, even if it meant delaying bedtime by a few minutes. I just…can’t believe the idea of spending the day with me upset her that much. It was a first.”
Eliza wasn’t a crier, but her chest ached with pent-upemotion. She worked hard to keep it all inside and her mask firmly in place.
“Please take this respectfully, but it wasn’t about you. I know from your perspective it seems like it is. Your daughter wants to spend time with someone else instead of you, you’re hurt and upset and rightfully so. But at its core, it has nothing to do withnotwanting to spend time with you. It is simply about Amelia building up this plan in her head and wanting it to happen. I’m certain that if it had started with you wanting to be included in her plan, things would’ve been very different. She loves spending time with you.”
Eliza willed herself to believe the words.
“It’s not fair to ask you to work on a day where I’m here and parenting, though. Maybe I should work and leave you to it.”
Rowyn shook her head quickly and reached out a hand as if to cover Eliza’s. She hesitated and pulled her hand back, and Eliza wondered how she could miss a touch that hadn’t even occurred.
“No. We’ll all go. It’ll be good for the kids to see us both together anyway and see us on the same team, so to speak. Plus, her plan does sound fun. I’m kinda excited too,” Rowyn said with a grin.
Eliza’s initial reaction was to say no, go hide at work, and ignore the feelings all of this stirred in her. She remembered Rowyn’s previous comments about putting her ego aside and took that route instead.
“Okay, we’ll all go, then,” Eliza agreed.
“After we kick Amelia’s butt for being an ass,” Rowyn said.
Eliza began to laugh again, which had likely been exactly Rowyn’s intent. As the tightness in her chest uprooted a bit with the laughter, Eliza had never been more thankful for someone’s well-timed inappropriate comments.
Chapter Eight
“Who knew libraries were the place to be on a Saturday morning?” Eliza whispered.
“They are free, they are full of magical books, and they have people who entertain your kids occasionally. They aren’t trying to sell you something or expecting anything in return. Nowhere else in the world does that. I’m surprised they’re not busier,” Rowyn replied.
“That’s true. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I remember bringing the kids here when they were about two and not being able to get them to stop pulling all the books out or shrieking. Amelia ran one way, and Elliot another, and I froze. It felt like everyone was staring at me, the mother with the uncontrollable kids running rings around her. I was so overwhelmed that I never returned. It’s changed a lot even since then, though.”
Rowyn pictured a frazzled Eliza chasing the twins in different directions while they tossed books in the air and had to stifle a smile. She looked over to where the kids were currently sitting on beanbags, enthralled in the story the librarian was telling for story time and looking like perfect angels.
“I wanted them to love reading, though, so I piled the playroom with books and made sure we read regularly from the comfort and privacy of our home. That way, when they decided to act out the scenes from the books, I wasn’t trying to shush them and ruin the fun,” Eliza said.
Right at that moment, Elliot hopped up from the beanbag excitedly with his hand waving in the air, and Eliza stiffenedbeside Rowyn. Eliza leaned forward but Rowyn put a hand on her arm to halt her.
“Just wait,” Rowyn said softly.
Elliot rambled excitedly, and loudly, about the show they did in summer camp the year before of the book they were reading. He spoke about how he played the character they were talking about now. The librarian nodded along and listened intently. She let him speak without interruption and asked him a couple of questions about the part, before inviting him to read the page they were on as the character. It was like a masterclass in moving the story along for the other kids while making the experience inclusive, and Rowyn was impressed.
“See, it’s all good,” Rowyn said after Elliot read the page and sat back down to listen to the rest of the story.
Eliza visibly relaxed when he was seated again. Rowyn suspected that Eliza was on edge quite a lot while out with the kids, watching and waiting to intervene at a moment’s notice. It was a common thing for parents, especially when you were waiting for others to judge you for what you did and what you didn’t do at every turn.
“I was worried he’d kick off if they told him to sit or wouldn’t let him finish his sentence. He hates not being able to say what he wants to say. No matter how many times I’ve explained that not everyone will want to listen and that’s their choice, he still can’t rest until he’s gotten the words out,” Eliza said softly.
Rowyn nodded without comment. It was difficult when you had information that could explain why that was the case, but sharing it would lead to a wider conversation that couldn’t happen in a library surrounded by people. She would say a little and leave it up for interpretation.
“I understand that feeling. I struggled as a kid with holding things in and not interrupting people, because if I didn’t say them in the moment, I worried I would forget. And not sayingthem at all had my brain itching because it felt compelled to share this information. It took a lot of work to learn what to share and who to share it with, and when it was appropriate or not to do so. Because contrary to typical belief, it’s not an inherently obvious thing. I still struggle now as an adult with it, so at eight it’s near impossible.”
Eliza listened to Rowyn’s words but gave little indication of whether the meaning was landing or not.
“My mom always encouraged us to speak our minds and demand to be heard. Sometimes it would embarrass me how forward she and my siblings were with everyone, and I’d wish they’d keep some of those thoughts inside. I guess I’m trying to find that balance with the kids, of being heard but doing so appropriately, and I’m not sure I’ve quite gotten it right yet.”
