Page 72 of Convincing Carrie
“You’re most welcome.” His eyes watched me with an intensity and a sadness that had me almost fearful of what he would say next. “Carrie, I know I fucked everything up between us. I will be sorry for that for the rest of my life. I have tried so hard to work to show you that I can be a better man. That Iambetter than I was. Is there any part of your heart that can forgive me?”
He reached across the table for my hand. For once, I didn’t feel like pulling away when he brought up our past. I didn’t say anything, though, as I looked at him.
“I was in therapy, you know, for a couple of years after our divorce. I wanted to understand what happened to make me lose my mind like I did.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about this, but maybe I should listen. I knew he’d wanted to talk to me about it for years, and I’d always put him off. “What did the therapist say?”
“She said that what I had with Madison was never love. I mean, maybe it was originally, before she broke our engagement. But what happened later? She said that was obsession. That I built her into this ideal woman in my head. An ideal no one could possibly live up to. One that she didn’t even come close to deserving. I had all my firsts with her, she broke my heart, and then she disappeared.” He sipped his champagne. “The therapist said what I was trying to get back wasn’t so much Madison as it was the person I was before she blindsided me with who she really was. She also thought I was stuck betweentwo worlds—the elite life I’d been taught Ishouldwant and the more slow-paced, small-town life I actually enjoyed with you. When things got stressful after Dad died and I had to take over the company, I messed up. I fell back on what I knew best. I chose the life that was the path of least resistance, and I left you behind. I became who my mother wanted me to be, who Madison wanted me to be, and who the world expected as CEO of Caldwell Financial.” He squeezed my hand. “I hate what I did so damn much.”
I searched my heart. Most of the anger I’d felt towards him had cooled over the years. It was hard to hold onto that level of rage and hate, especially when the person had proven himself in hundreds of ways during that time. I would always hate what hedid, but I couldn’t hatehimany longer. I just had to decide if I could give him the second chance he so obviously wanted.
“I forgave you a long time ago, Thatcher.” He looked surprised. “I had to,” I clarified. “Holding onto all that anger was hurting me. To free myself from it, I had to forgive you. Forgiving you made me whole again.” He started to say something, but I held up a hand. “But forgiving and forgetting are two totally different things. I know I’ll never forget what you did. How could I possibly do that? The question is whether I can learn to trust you again.”
He nodded, while I picked at my strawberry cake. It was delicious, but I was stuffed. There was no way I could eat another bite. I sipped champagne instead.
“Do you trust me as a father to Theo?”
“Of course.” I said it with no hesitation. I trusted him completely with Theo.
“Do you trust me to stand up for you and Theo against my family?”
I thought for a second, wanting to give him only honest answers. “Yes,” I finally said. “You’ve shown me many timesover the years that you’ve put Theo and me before your mother. You started standing up for me against your mother almost immediately after the whole fiasco with Madison.”
“Once I learned how far she’d gone in her bizarre vendetta against you, I could barely stand to be around her myself. There was no way I would let her be around you without my total protection.”
“I’m grateful for that.”
“Do you trust me with your friends and family?”
“Yes.” I didn’t hesitate. So many times over the years he’d redeemed himself with my parents and my friends.
“Do you trust me as a friend?”
I thought about it. “Yes,” I surprised myself by saying. “I do. You’ve been a good friend to me for a long time now.”
“But you don’t think you can trust me as a romantic partner?”
I bit my lip. “I’m just not sure. You cheated, Thatch. You married me thinking I was second best to Madison. That I was just a fill in for when she came back to you. That’s hard to come back from.”
He nodded. “I understand. Is there anything I can do to…”
“You’ve done everything already. If I can’t trust you at this point, it’s because I don’t think I ever can.” I was saddened by the truth of it.
“But you said you weren’t sure. That’s not a no. Are you really unsure, or are you trying to spare my feelings?” His blue eyes were intense on mine.
I searched inside myself for the truth. “It’s because I’m unsure.”
“You still need to think about it.” It was a statement, not a question. I nodded anyway. “I know I’m pressuring you. I’d like to say I’ll stop, but I’m not sure I will. I can’t risk someone else swooping in and snatching you up. I want to be with you Carrie. Ilove you. I want you. You and Theo are everything to me. I’d like us to be a family.”
“That’s just it. What if we start dating, Theo gets excited, and then it doesn’t work out?”
“So, we date in secret for a while. Your parents and friends will help us. So will Bryce and Celia and Olive. They’ll watch Theo for us on date nights. We won’t tell him until you’re sure.”
“What ifyou’renot sure?” I laughed.
“I’m sure.” He was dead serious. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
I studied his face and knew he wasn’t lying. “I need to think about it. I’ll give you an answer soon, though.”
