Page 10 of Not My Friend
“You seem so different now,” she said, giving me a searching look. “The way you speak, it’s not tentative like it used to be. You seem more confident and you’re not wearing your feelings on your sleeve for everyone to see. Even your body language and posture are better.”
I nodded, taking a long lick of my cone. Kimberly’s gaze dipped to my mouth before looking back to the street.
“In many ways, I’m a completely different person now. I didn’t realize how I was letting all my childhood shit affect my adult life. Once I made that connection and learned tools to help, things changed for me. Not overnight of course, but I’ve made significant progress.”
“That’s great, really,” she said softly.
“How did you end up working at the state?” I asked.
She’d been working at an accounting firm when we were together. I knew it wasn’t her dream job, but she seemed to like it well enough.
“I was bored with accounting and ready for a change, so I applied for a job at the state as a TANF eligibility specialist,” she said. “I had a friend who worked there and the pay and benefits were way better than I was getting, and they needed someone who spoke Spanish, so I got the job. Our eligibility team used to audit each other’s files, and I found I really liked that, so when a job opened up in the main Human Services division’s audit team, I moved over.”
“Do you like working for the state government?”
“I do,” she said. “There’s a lot of bureaucracy and weird stuff that happens, but the work interests me and I’m good at it, so that’s a bonus.”
“I’m glad you’re doing well and found your place,” I said.
Kimberly turned to look at me again, and this time our eyes met and held. It was like I was hypnotized or something, I couldn’t move away. There was a world of emotion there, and I suspected she would say the same for me. My heart rate picked up, that intense attraction that we’d felt the first time we met was buzzing between us, making the air seem thick with something I couldn’t identify.
“You asked the other day if I was seeing anyone.” Kimberly’s words were so soft I had to strain to hear. “I’m not.”
I nodded, unsure why she was telling me this now.
“What about you?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I’ve dated a little the last few years, but if I’m being totally honest, it was mostly because I thought I should get out there, not because I had any real interest in those women. I know it makes me sound like a horrible person – or more of a horrible person than you already think I am --.”
“I don’t think you’re a horrible person,” she interrupted.
I could feel the truth of the words, and something inside me loosened enough to take a chance on the truth.
“Somewhere along the line I realized that I wasn’t interested in any of those women because I never really got over you.”
Kimberly
Ijolted a little in shock, although I couldn’t say if it was shock at Gina’s words or shock that she’d been having the same experience as me.
“I think I’ve had the same problem,” I admitted.
I’d dated many perfectly nice women, kissed most of them, slept with some of them and none of them did as much to make my heart race as sitting on a bench eating ice cream with the ex-girlfriend I’d promised myself to hate.
It was a definite problem. But right now, I couldn’t remember why. Then again, this Gina was so different than the woman who broke my heart.
I leaned a little closer, moving my cone out of the way. Gina followed suit, moving towards me until our faces were only a few inches apart. She had a smear of caramel ice cream on the side of her mouth, and without thinking I reached up and brushed it off with my thumb. Her breath hitched and she closed her eyes briefly. Resisting the temptation to lick it off – or press my finger against her lips -- I wiped my finger on a napkin.
I had the strangest urge to kiss Gina, and by ‘urge’ I meant overwhelming compulsion. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way.
I’d hated this woman for three long years. But that all feel away as soon as I saw her walk into that conference room. I knew seeing her again was dangerous, and I promised myself I’d keep my distance. Not let her in again. Not make the same mistake.
Something had changed though. Maybe it was her sincere apology in the bathroom. Maybe it was seeing how much she’d grown and changed. Or maybe it was the realization that neither one of us had moved on.
But I’d been fooled by her before. For all I knew, this was all an act. Then again, Gina wasn’t that good of an actress.
Still, we needed to maintain boundaries. My boss would have my ass if I stepped over the line. But I couldn’t deny that the fiery attraction I’d felt for her back when we were dating was still there, and possibly even stronger now.
We were both still for several seconds, staring at each other like it was impossible to look away, and when Gina licked her lips, I knew she wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss her. For an instant I let myself consider it.
