Page 114 of Cold Bastard
“I’m not whole,” I whispered.
The first words I’d spoken in two days.
They came out hoarse. Cracked. Like my voice had forgotten how to work.
“No,” Kyllian agreed. “You’re not. Not right now. But you will be.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you’re still breathing,” she said simply. “Because you’re still here. Because even though you feel like there’s nothing left inside you, you haven’t given up yet.”
I turned my head slightly, just enough to see her out of the corner of my eye.
She was beautiful. Blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, green eyes sharp and assessing. She wore jeans and a leather jacket, and there was a confidence in the way she sat. Like she belonged here, like she had earned her place.
“I don’t know how to survive this,” I said quietly.
“Yes, you do,” Kyllian said. “You just don’t want to admit it yet.”
I looked back at the wall.
“Surviving this life isn’t about fighting back,” she continued. “It’s not about defiance or rebellion or proving you’re strong enough to take whatever they throw at you. It’s about surviving the aftermath. It’s about waking up the next day and the day after that and choosing to keep going even when every part of you wants to quit.”
“Why?” The word came out flat. Empty.
“Because the reward is worth it,” Kyllian said. “Because loving a man like Nano, loving a Bastard, is brutal and terrifying and it will break you over and over again. But it’s also the most real thing you’ll ever experience. It’s raw and honest, and it doesn’t lie to you about what it is.”
She paused, and I heard her shift on the bed.
“These men,” she said quietly, “they’re not good men. They’re not heroes. They’re violent and possessive, and they’ll hurt you in ways you didn’t know were possible. But they’re also loyal. Fiercely, brutally loyal. And when they love you. When they truly love you, they’ll burn the world down to keep you safe.”
“Nano doesn’t love me,” I said.
“Bullshit.”
The word was sharp. Cutting.
I blinked.
“Nano is suffering just as much as you are right now,” Kyllian said. “Maybe more. Because he knows what he did to you. He knows he broke you. And he’s terrified that he’s lost you forever.”
“Good.” The word came out before I could stop it. Bitter. Angry.
Kyllian didn’t flinch.
“You have every right to be angry,” she said. “What he did was brutal. What Morpheus orchestrated was cruel. And you didn’t deserve it.”
I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes.
“But here’s the thing, Alex,” Kyllian continued. “You can be angry. You can hate him. You can hate all of them. But you still have to choose whether you’re going to survive this or let it destroy you.”
“I don’t know how to choose that,” I whispered.
“Yes, you do,” Kyllian said again. “You’ve been choosing it every day since you walked into this clubhouse. You chose it when you stole that money. You chose it when you came back to Athens. You chose it when you sent that email to your brother. You chose it when you kneeled in that basement and told Morpheus everything.”
“I didn’t choose to be broken.”
“No,” Kyllian agreed. “You didn’t. But you can choose what happens next.”
