Page 96 of Delirium
“Yeah,” I answered, trying to shake off the emotions washing over me. “I was just thinking about the past and the things that have happened to all of us.”
“That’s a dangerous road to take, Sunshine. You know that there’s nothing any of us could do to change it.”
“I know.” I smiled and looked at him, squeezing his hand. “I know there’s nothing we could have done, but it still makes me angry that we let them brainwash us, that we let them destroy our lives, when none of them really cared about us.”
“Holding on to the anger could eat us alive, Sunshine. You know it as much as I do. Both of us held on to it because we knew no other way.”
He was right.
We held on to our anger because it was the only thing keeping us upright, allowing us to continue living. There were so many times in my past where I wanted to let go, where I wanted to stop, but my anger kept pushing me forward. It helped, but it also isolated me from the people who could’ve helped, because I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t know how to let go of the insanity, of the need to destroy those who wronged me.
I had no idea how to live. I was alive, I was breathing, living, going through the motions, but that wasn’t living. Breathing wasn’t the same as living.
“Is he going to let us through or are we going to sit here the entire night, waiting?” Storm asked seriously, but I could hear the undertone of amusement in his voice.
I’d informed Kieran he would be coming, and I couldn’t miss the slight hitch in his breath or the way his voice squeaked when I mentioned Storm’s name.
“He knows you’re coming with me, right?” Storm asked.
“He knows,” I confirmed. “Look.” I pointed at the light turning on at the gate. “He probably saw us on the cameras.”
“Yeah.” Storm huffed. “Took him awhile.”
“Hey.” I laughed. “Be nice. I know you guys have your differences, but I think it would be healthy for all of us to let go of the old grudges and to push forward.”
“What would be healthy is for me to get out of this car and stretch my legs,” he grunted. “Driving for more than four hours is not my idea of fun. These bones aren’t that young anymore.”
I burst out laughing just as the gates started opening, and the lights on the sides of the road lit up, leading us toward the house that stood in the distance, lit up from the ground.
“Are you saying you’re old, Stormy?” I asked as he kept on driving. I looked in the side mirror, and I could see the other two cars following.
“Hey, I’m not old.”
“You just said your bones are not as young anymore.”
“They’re not, but I’m still not old,” he growled. “What the hell is this place?” he asked while his eyes scanned the surroundings. “It’s like a mini mansion.”
“It is.” I chuckled. “He bought it himself, completely separate from his father. He wanted a place he could call his own, with no ties to the Outfit.”
“I hate to say it,” Storm grumbled. “But it’s kinda inspiring. I always took him for a spoiled little brat who always sought out his daddy’s approval.”
“He did want his approval in the very beginning. I know you had a hard start in your life, but for us…” I trailed off. “Even before we were born, they already knew what they wanted us to be. My whole life was planned for me. It didn’t help that they were never happy with anything we did.”
It was hard talking about the past, especially the period when we were just kids, trying to push through life.
“I remember coming back home after my competitions in gymnastics, and Nikolai scowling, saying that it wasn’t good enough, even though I got gold. I remember Logan lashing out at Cillian and Kieran for every single thing. I remember Cillian’s first high, because he couldn’t deal anymore. I remember Kieran pulling back from all of us, because his mind told him he would never be good enough. I remember thinking that I shouldn’t even exist because it was obvious that no one truly cared if I lived or died.”
“Phee—”
But I continued even after hearing the pain in his voice. “And all of that, Storm, all of that was before any of us knew what our families truly did.”
“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, pulling my hand up to his mouth, pressing his lips to my knuckles. “I am sorry you had to go through that.”
“Thank you.” I smiled softly. “It’s ridiculous, you know. I’ve always felt that I complained for nothing, because I actually had everything I ever wanted to have. Expensive clothes, summers in France, brand new cars, but none of it mattered. I thought I was ungrateful, but Nikolai and my mom didn’t know how to show us love. They had no idea what it meant because they were both so lost in their own little worlds. True, Nikolai hated me, but my mom… My mom found salvation in her pills, in the drugs he provided her with, and there was nothing any of us could do. On the days when he wasn’t home, if it wasn’t for our housekeeper, we wouldn’t have been eating at all. My mom just didn’t care.”
“Because she didn’t know how to pull out.”
“I know she didn’t know how to pull out from that world,” I answered too harshly, hating myself for lashing out at him. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to yell at you, but it just angers me. She was supposed to protect us, you know? She was supposed to find a way to take us away from him. Maybe if she had, Theo wouldn’t have become such an asshole, Maya wouldn’t have been sold God knows where, and I wouldn’t have ended up drowning in misery, in darkness, killing people because the Syndicate told me to do so.”
