Page 99 of Delirium
“I thought I would never see you again,” she mumbled. “I thought he killed you, you know?”
A shuddering breath escaped me, hearing the pain in her voice.
“I thought…” she trailed off. “That night, when they, uh… When they sent me to Kieran’s place…” I winced as she mentioned the night that Kieran—
“I thought you were already dead,” she whispered.
“Maya—”
“It wasn’t your fault, you know.” She smiled softly. “What happened between Kieran and me, it wasn’t your fault.”
“Wasn’t it?” I asked. “Sometimes it feels as if everything was my fault. Your disappearance, Nikolai holding you captive, Kieran—”
“You can say it, Phee.” She smiled, placing her hand over mine. “Kieran raped me because he thought I was you.”
No matter how many times I heard it, no matter how many times I told myself that Kieran wasn’t in his right mind, the same kind of anger washed over me at his actions, knowing that it wouldn’t have happened if I’d just done what Nikolai asked me to do back then.
“Yes.” I nodded, swallowing the emotions bubbling inside of me. “Kieran raped you because he thought you were me.”
“But I forgave him,” she said. “I forgave him because I saw the state he was in. I saw how much pain he was in. I forgave him because I understood wanting to disappear, wanting to forget everything.” She took a deep breath before sipping her tea and putting the mug back on top of the table. “Did he ever tell you that he tried to kill himself?”
Shock and disbelief pushed to the forefront of my mind, and I had no idea what to say.
“That night, when they brought me to him, I saw it, darling. I saw his blood, saw the shattered glass, and the lost look in his eyes. I saw how much he hated himself, and I don’t know. I understood in a way.”
“And I tried to kill him,” I breathed out, trembling from head to toe. “I tried to kill him because—”
“Because he raped me. I know.” She chuckled. “I’ve heard all about it. I saw the scar.”
“You saw the scar?” I frowned before it dawned on me. “Wait—”
“No, nope.” She smiled. “Don’t even go there. I can see those wheels of yours turning in that head, and no, I didn’t see him naked because I wanted to. We’ve spent almost a month together, running away from the people who wanted to keep me there.”
“I’m so sorry, Maya,” I said. “I know you forgave him and I understand that you might not blame me for what happened, but I’m still sorry, for everything. I wasn’t a good sister. I wasn’t there when you needed me.”
“Darling.” She squeezed my hand. “We were both terrible because we had to be. Remember what they told us? Loving another person was a weakness. Emotions weren’t allowed in our lives back then. I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder against Nikolai to save you, to take us away from that place. I’m sorry you had to go through it all alone. I’m sorry I didn’t see what they were doing to you.”
“They were doing the worst things to you,” I murmured. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“Then it’s set.” She grinned. “We gotta stop apologizing.” She leaned back against the chair, looking at me. “When Kieran told me you sent him, I almost burst out laughing, because I didn’t believe him. I was so sure that you were dead, darling. I was sure they destroyed you, killed your light, but they didn’t. I can see it now. I can see it in the way you look at that man of yours.”
“Storm?”
“Yeah, Storm. I know you’ve been through hell, but I gotta tell you, I never imagined coming back and seeing you pregnant.”
My cheeks burned, my hand immediately going to my belly, but I wasn’t going to be ashamed of this pregnancy.
“Truth to be told, it’s been a rocky path,” I said. “But we survived and that’s all that matters. I didn’t expect to get pregnant, but I’m not going to lie—I can’t wait to meet them.”
A faraway look entered her eyes, and I could see that she wasn’t here with me anymore. She was present but her mind was miles away.
“Maya,” I called out to her. “Are you okay?”
“I need to tell you something, but you can’t tell Kieran. Not yet.”
My heart skipped a beat as she continued looking at my belly, but as her eyes traveled toward mine, I could recognize the pain there. Only another mother could understand it, and while my kids were safe and far away from the danger, I could only imagine how I would feel if something ever happened to them.
“Maya?”
