Page 64 of Delirium
I knew because I wanted nothing more but to throw myself at him.
But he was right last night. I asked him for space, and it was exactly what he was doing, giving me space, making sure we were both one hundred percent in this. I would just keep blaming it all on hormones and the insane urges to have him with me at all times.
I had no idea if it was what happened with Nova, or maybe the fact that he took the time to wash me, showing me how gentle things could be, or maybe the fact that being pregnant was starting to be a lot more real, but I wanted him next to me at all times.
It wasn’t healthy, especially because I was still pissed at him over his deal with Nico, the way he dealt with things, the constant hot-and-cold game we were playing, that little monologue he granted me after he spoke with Lazar, but goddammit, I loved this man.
I loved his faults, his darkness, his good and bad sides. I wanted to have everything with him, and I hated that I couldn’t make up my mind and just let things go. I hated that I still wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me, just to show him that I wasn’t a weak person.
But we both knew I wasn’t weak. We both knew what I was capable of, but it was hard letting go of old habits when the constant need to prove that you were still you while everything else was changing, was always there.
Letting go of old habits was harder than I could have ever imagined. Letting go of parts of you that weren’t serving you anymore was even harder, because it felt as if you were betraying yourself, changing to fit other people’s agendas. In reality, you were changing because you were growing up. Because you were healing. Because you were becoming a better version of yourself.
Five years ago, I would’ve fought tooth and nail to get away from Storm, because he scared me. He didn’t scare me because I thought he would hurt me. He scared me because he made me feel all these things I vowed I would never feel again.
He scared me because I knew he was my forever, and if I wanted it to last, I had to change the way I did things. I had to change the way I thought about things, and it was happening. Right now, it was happening.
But just because things were changing, it didn’t mean that we were betraying our true selves. Just because we were growing, getting away from toxic behaviors, it didn’t mean that it wasn’t good. I didn’t change to appease Storm or to get any of them to love me.
I changed because I wanted to love myself. I changed because I wanted a better life. I changed because the violent things I did weren’t serving me anymore, and that was okay.
It was okay to let go, no matter how afraid you were of new beginnings. It was okay to forgive, to let yourself heal.
I was looking forward to the future for the first time in my life, because I could see it. I could see it filled with holidays, happiness, love, friends and family, and I wasn’t afraid to embrace it. I wasn’t afraid because I knew I deserved it.
Love and happiness weren’t the things reserved for some and forbidden to others. We all deserved to feel them. We all deserved to be happy, and I was finally embracing it all.
There were pieces of the puzzle that needed to fall into place for everything to be perfect, or well, as perfect as it could get, and for that to happen, I needed my sister back. I needed Maya.
Turning around toward the nightstand, I leaned down toward it and took the phone in my hand, opening the contact list to see who I had there. Storm’s name was the first one on the list, along with Cillian and… Holy moly, Kieran. I thought I would need to call Kill to get his number, since Cillian’s number was the only one I knew by heart, but Storm installed it for me already.
He… He was trying.
My thumb hovered over Kieran’s name, remembering the last time we spoke. He wasn’t happy that I wasn’t leaving, and I wasn’t happy because he couldn’t understand. But I needed to talk to him now.
Not just because he was trying to save Maya, but because no matter what, Kieran was my friend. He would always be my friend. If I really wanted to move on with my life, I had to understand that both of us were young and stupid when some things happened. Holding onto grudges did nothing but poison your mind, and I’d been holding onto mine for far too long.
Without waiting any longer, I pressed the dial button and pressed the phone to my ear, hearing it ring. Kieran’s deep voice came on, muffled by the noise from the background, and gunshots.
What the fuck?
“Kieran?” I asked, sitting my ass down, hoping that he wasn’t in trouble. “What’s going on?”
“Slightly busy now, Birdy.” He huffed, and I assumed that he was running by the way he was breathing. “Are you okay? Is everything alright?”
“Uh, yeah…” I trailed off. “Are you okay?”
“Just a little busy, trying—”
“Trying not to fucking die!” somebody yelled out from the background.
I knew that voice. I knew it as much as I knew mine, and over the years it hadn’t changed a bit.
I was too young to understand that everything Maya did was to protect me from Nikolai. I was too young to understand that her standoffish behavior wasn’t there because she hated me, but because she didn’t want to give him a reason to hurt me. Because she knew what a controlling motherfucker he was.
Hearing her voice, after all these years, made my entire body weak.
“Is that Maya?” I asked, trembling from head to toe. If I hadn’t been already sitting, I would have probably collapsed from the shock.
