Page 65 of Oblivion
Just a second before he went through the door to the inside area of the coffee shop, Lazar looked my way and smiled.
He fucking smiled while I stood there, frozen, at a loss for words, because that smile didn’t look like something a person who wanted to harm me would do.
Others could call me a fool, but this wasn’t a man who would beat around the bush to get what he wanted. Yet, he let me choose. He didn’t force me, didn’t make me go with him when that was the first thought I had when I saw all those cars.
If only I could get rid of this ache inside my chest, if only I could stop fighting with myself, I could allow my heart to truly open to him and to hear him out. But the road toward redemption was a long and testing one, and I couldn’t just stop my brain from having certain thoughts when it was wired that way.
“Ophelia.” He beamed as he walked toward me, his arms outstretched, ready for a hug.
I didn’t think twice this time. I allowed myself this one moment of weakness where I could pretend that he was a loving father and I was just a daughter he was meeting for an afternoon coffee.
I plastered myself to his body, enveloping my arms around his middle and squeezing as tight as I could.
His hands landed on my shoulders, before one hand went to the back of my head and the other one to the mid of my back, holding me to him for a second longer than a normal hug would take.
I shuddered and took a deep breath, realizing that this was what I wanted. For someone to choose me, to trust me, to hold me. I wanted someone, anyone, to see past the façade I was trying to put on.
Heavy was the mask we had to wear, but how else would we be able to protect our hearts from the outside world, when everything around us was trying to hurt us. Love, relationships, friendships, families, they all left scars that turned into gaping wounds, and the only way I knew how to stop the blood was to press that mask to my skin.
I had no idea when it became a part of me, something I couldn’t get rid of, but everything that happened over this past year made me see that I needed to get rid of it. I kept talking about the peaceful life, about the things I wanted to see and do without the violence marking every segment of my life, yet I didn’t know how to let go of that last piece of me that belonged in the past.
“It is so nice to see you, Katya,” Lazar murmured against my hair, and somewhere far away in my mind, I knew I should let him go, but I couldn’t.
My arms tightened around him even more, my body refusing to let him go. I yearned for this normalcy, and I didn’t want to think what would happen to me if he turned out to be just another monster in my life.
“Should we sit down?” he asked, and I reluctantly stepped back, letting my arms fall.
I expected to see a smirk on his face when I looked up, but all I saw was a face filled with regrets and eyes telling the story of pain so grave, making me gasp out loud.
“Y-Yeah,” I stammered and took the seat I was previously occupying, while Lazar sat across from me with his back to the street. “So,” I started, realizing that I needed to try.
I had to try to make this work, dammit. I refused to think of myself as somebody damaged, somebody who couldn’t heal. I never thought about family as something that could be your safe place to return after long travels, but I suddenly wanted it.
I wanted happiness, celebrations, birthday parties, gatherings… I wanted to know my cousins, to have a relationship with them. It was unlike me, unlike everything I ever wanted, but for the first time in my life, there was hope for something better.
Lazar wasn’t a saint, that I was sure of. Nobody from my family was, but I wanted them no matter what.
“So.” He smiled, drinking me in. “You’ve changed your hair?” he asked with a chuckle.
“I had to.” I shrugged. “You know how it is. I have the Albanians on my tail, the Outfit, Nikolai’s associates,” I whispered. “I had to blend in.”
“It suits you,” he commented. “You look just like your mother now.”
My heart constricted, unable to forgive and forget all those times my mother couldn’t even talk to me. Frowning, I leaned on the table and looked to the side.
“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or—”
“It’s a compliment, darling. I know she wasn’t the best mother, but I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive her.”
“I highly doubt it.” I grimaced. “You knew her as the woman you loved.” I looked at him. “I knew her as the monster who gave me to Nikolai, letting him do whatever he wanted with me.”
Now it was his turn to grimace. Maybe I wasn’t being fair. Maybe I was petty, but I didn’t need to have reminders of my mother. I wanted nothing to do with her.
I couldn’t understand how she could let us get destroyed in such a way. How could she be so weak?
“Forgive me, Katya,” he murmured. “I didn’t mean to bring back those painful memories.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled, hating that I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t stop the memories whooshing in like an avalanche, reminding me of tears, pain, broken bones, and broken hearts. She stood there, watching it all, not even flinching when Nikolai broke my left arm because I dared to disobey him.
