Page 96 of Oblivion
“If it was a virus, we would have gotten it as well, but the rest of us are fine.” Zoe sat down next to me and took her hand in mine. “You complained the other day that your boobs were aching, and frankly dude, they kinda got bigger. Your mood swings, cravings—”
“I was hungry, okay?”
“You were hungry at three a.m. and you wanted pickles.” She looked at me pointedly. “Just think about it, Phee. Would it be so bad?”
“Oh, come on, Zoe!” I stood up, unable to take this. “I don’t even know how to take care of myself. How would I take care of a child?”
“But you wouldn’t be alone,” she argued, coming after me. “We would be here to help. Atlas, Indigo, me—”
“But he wouldn’t be here!” I roared, hating that it still affected me. “God, I wanted to strangle him, but the fact that he doesn’t want me kills me every single day, Zozo. I want to hate him, I want to wrap my hands around his throat and fucking kill him for what he did two months ago, and I can’t. I can’t harm him, even though my father begged me to come and kick his ass. And if I am pregnant, I wouldn’t want a child growing up in a world where everybody hates their mother.”
“They don’t hate you. They’re afraid of you, and people often mask their fear with hatred because they don’t know how to deal with it, or how to express it. Fear makes us do terrible things, but it doesn’t mean that we’re bad people just because of that.”
“Their actions spoke louder than any words could, Zoe. I told you already. The moment I find out who Belladonna is, I am getting out of here. I stopped Lazar from coming to the Club, but once everything is done and you guys are safe, I am leaving. I can’t continue living like this, begging someone to love me, to show me the true meaning of happiness. I deserve to be free of all this bullshit, and if I am pregnant,” I trailed off.
“Would you keep it?” she asked, and it felt as if she slapped me across my face.
Nikolai never wanted me, that much was obvious, and even though I knew now why, it didn’t help to erase the years of torment I went through.
I never wanted to have kids. I didn’t think I was fit to be a mother, but maybe… Maybe I wouldn’t be that bad at it. I knew what I shouldn’t do. I knew what a child shouldn’t go through, so maybe, just maybe I could do it if I was really pregnant.
“We don’t even know if I am pregnant or if I’m just sick.”
“Yeah, well,” she sat down again, crossing her legs. “Something tells me you are.”
“Stop it,” I murmured, pacing the room. “I don’t see how that could happen.” Even if I actually liked the idea.
Having someone to love you unconditionally, no matter what, was what I always wanted. But I didn’t want to bring a child to this world just to use it for my own selfish gains. If I truly were pregnant, I would protect its innocence from everything and everyone, even if it meant protecting them from me.
“Come here,” Zoe patted the spot next to her, beckoning me to her. “Come to Auntie Zoe.”
“You’re not an auntie yet,” I mumbled, but I went to her, defeated, making it harder to walk.
“He wouldn’t want us, Zozo. You saw how he looked at me. You heard what he said. He only ever wanted to use me, and I don’t know if I would ever be able to trust him again.”
“I know, Phee,” she mumbled, hugging me to her. “But something tells me that there’s more to the story, and maybe you two should really talk. Maybe you should hear what he has to say. He’s been miserable these two months, following you around like a lost puppy, trying to approach you but stopping himself every single time. You’re hurt, I get it, and you have every right to be, but I hate seeing you like this when you could be happy instead.”
“There’s no happiness for me here,” I whispered, staring at the crack on the wall. “And if I am pregnant or if I ever get kids in the future, they wouldn’t be subjected to the same things I was. I would protect them from this world even if that is the last thing I would ever do. No one should go through the things I did, or Storm, or Atlas and Indigo, even you.”
“Why me?” She asked.
“I know about your family, Zozo. Indigo told me on the day of the gathering when he apologized to me. I know what Nikolai did.” I looked at her, waiting with bated breath for her words, but instead of them a shaky breath escaped her instead.
“I don’t remember them, Phee,” she smiled sadly. “Indigo remembers, and I have some pictures, but I don’t remember my mother’s smile or my father’s smell. I don’t remember any of it, and it sucks.”
“But you never hated me.”
“Were you the one that killed them?” She asked, turning her head toward me.
I shook my head, avoiding her eyes. “No.”
“Exactly. We are not our parents, Ophelia. The mistakes they made are not the ones we are necessarily going to make. And even if they were monsters, even if they destroyed the innocence we were clinging to, they taught us something. They taught us how not to be like them. Nikolai showed you what a real monster looked like, how he behaved, and I know that you would do everything in your power to behave differently.”
Nikolai killed the pieces of me I held dear, isolated me from people I loved, but he never could kill my determination to differentiate myself from him. During those early years I believed that the only way was the one he showed me, but I was wrong. And while the years I’d spent on the run weren’t the ones I would want to remember, they showed me that I could separate myself from that kind of living.
My stomach lurched suddenly, the emptiness eating me from the inside out, burning through my gut.
“Shit,” I jumped up and ran toward the bathroom, falling down on my knees right in front of the toilet seat.
