Page 21 of How Our Hearts Break
“Oh, shut your fucking mouth.”
My stomach clenched and unclenched as we laughed, momentarily wiping away the vision of Sophie this morning, sitting there in my car, looking so small. But joy, just like everything else in life, was a fleeting thing.
Just as fast as it came, this light feeling that encompassed my entire body, also disappeared, reminding me of things I wanted to have, but couldn’t.
Both of us sobered up—me first and then Jared when he saw what was no doubt a grimace on my face.
“I really am sorry, you know. I know how much you love her. I can see it.”
“Yeah.” I swallowed, my throat tight. “But she apparently can’t.”
I turned around and sat down on the ground. I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my elbows on top of them. This place felt so peaceful, yet so tormented.
It was the memories that tormented me. The memories of us since we were kids. The feelings I had even then suffocated me, crawling through me.
“You did fuck up, you know.”
“I do. But I also apologized.”
I could hear him coming closer before his boots came into my peripheral vision. He lowered himself down and sat next to me. “Just because you said you’re sorry, it doesn’t mean that you deserve to get a second chance. Words are just that, Noah, words. Actions are what people need to see.”
“Whose fucking side are you on?” I looked at him, ticked off by what he was saying. “You think she shouldn’t give me a chance?”
“You know I will always be on your side. Don’t look at me like that. I wasn’t there that night, but if I had been, I would’ve punched you in your pretty boy face.”
“What?”
“Man.” He laughed. “If somebody said those things to my sister, I would’ve killed them, trust me. You took your friendship with her and threw it into a dumpster. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, you took some gasoline, poured it on and set fire. What the fuck were you thinking?”
I ground my teeth, hating how right he sounded, hating myself most of all.
“I didn’t.” I exhaled. “I didn’t fucking think because I hated seeing that guy with her. I didn’t think, because for the first time in my life, she wasn’t smiling at me. She was smiling at him.”
“So you were jealous?”
“I was furious, Jared. And I wasn’t even furious at her, I was furious at myself. The moment those words left my mouth, shame washed over me, but it was already too late. She left.”
“Did you try to talk to her?”
I cringed and looked away from him. “No. She tried talking to me, but I never answered.”
“You are a motherfucking idiot, I swear.”
“I know.”
“Why the fuck would you do that? She reached out to you when she had every right to be angry at you, and you still behaved like an asshole. No wonder she wants nothing to do with you right now.”
“I know.”
“Jesus Christ, man. I’m surprised she didn’t try to kill you with one of her skates by now. I for sure would’ve if I were in her place.”
“I know.”
“Stop saying you know, you dipshit. You’re lucky she even agreed to those rides with you.”
I nodded, lost for words. It hurt to think back to that night when I fucked everything up, but Jared was right.
People could forgive, but it didn’t mean that they had forgotten. Just because I apologized, it didn’t give me the right to demand her attention when all I’d done was try for only one week.
