Page 84 of Apathy
How could I hold her, sleep with her, and still lie to her?
I passed a couple kissing in the hallway and entered the spacious kitchen, heading straight toward the counters in the middle where bottles of alcohol, known and unknown to me, laid scattered. I didn’t want to think anymore, and instead of reaching for another bottle of beer, like I should’ve, I took a bottle of Jack Daniels and started pouring it into my empty cup, not even bothering to mix it up with some Coke.
Lifting the cup up to my lips, I took a hefty amount inside, relishing in the burning sensation spreading from my throat, all the way to my stomach as the liquid started spreading through my system. I poured another one when I finished the first, wishing for all these things to get the fuck away from me, just for one night.
I just wanted to be an eighteen-year-old who liked a girl and had the usual teenage problems. I didn’t want to be fighting in a war where I was a commander without an army.
I leaned against the counter as I downed the second drink, my knuckles turning white from the force with which I held on to the marble top. Music suddenly increased in volume, and I focused on that instead of the thundering of my own heart. I hated parties, but Danny and Rowan had amazing taste in music. As the first beats of “Temptation” by Imminence spread through the house, I straightened up and closed my eyes, letting the familiar lyrics wash over me.
My teeth tingled, and I knew I was close to getting drunk, but I didn’t care. None of us were heading home tonight, and I wasn’t driving. Maybe I should’ve stopped. Maybe I should’ve drunk some water instead of pouring another glass filled to the brim with the amber liquid, but everything was slowly catching up with me, and I didn’t know how much longer I would be able to hold on.
Every time I thought I was closer to finding out the truth, I ran into a wall, and I had to start all over again. I couldn’t even remember what my parents looked like. All our pictures were burned with the house we had, and with every new day, I wondered if what I was doing was correct.
People came and went, neither one of them talking to me or asking me if everything was okay. The liquid in the glass bottle of Jack Daniels went down and down and down, and when I took a step back from the counter, when the room started spinning around me, I knew I drank too much and way too fast.
“Ash,” a voice from my dreams and my nightmares whispered, barely audible over the sound of music, while her hands plastered against my back. “Are you okay?”
“Moonshine,” I said, or at least that’s what I think I said. She really did remind me of moonshine—so bright and yet so dark. She kept illuminating my life just by existing, but she was going to hate me.
She was never going to want to see me again.
I turned around, and almost fell on her as my right foot slipped on the marble floor. The laughter erupted from my chest while she kept me upright, but she didn’t laugh with me.
“Oops.” I smiled down at her, placing my hands on her shoulders. She was so tiny, so much shorter than me, and I wanted to hide her in the pockets of my soul where no one would be able to take her away from me. “I think I’m a little bit drunk.”
“You think?” Uh-oh, she didn’t sound happy, and I wanted her to be happy.
I placed my hands on her cheeks and my thumbs at the edges of her mouth, pulling them to the side.
“Smile, Moonshine. I love it when you smile.”
“Ash—”
“Shhh.” I pressed a finger against her mouth. “No talky-talky. You need to smile first.”
But she didn’t. She wasn’t angry. She didn’t seem worried like all those other times when she allowed me to see what she was feeling, but she didn’t look happy either.
“How the fuck did you manage to get drunk in the last half hour?”
I simply shrugged, because pronouncing Jack’s full name felt like too much hassle right now, and all I wanted to do was to take her to one of the rooms upstairs to show her how much I loved her.
Oh.
Oh.
I loved her.
There. I finally admitted it to myself. I was in love with Skylar Blackwood, and that wasn’t supposed to happen. How could I fall in love with the enemy? My parents would be so disappointed in me if they knew what I was doing.
“He’s drunk because he knows you will never belong to him,” somebody slurred from behind me. When I turned, I saw it was Kane, leaning against the door leading to the backside porch. He looked like hell, and that was saying something, especially coming from me, because I almost always looked like hell.
I would rather go through the Spanish Inquisition than deal with him right now. Ever since Skylar came out of the hospital, Kane was evasive. He never spent time with the group anymore, and even Lauren started noticing his absence.
“Shut the fuck up, Kane,” Skylar sneered as she stood next to me. The only thing that was keeping me standing now was her. I wanted to erase the smirk from his face, but wanting and being able to were two very different things. If it wasn’t for her holding me up, I would probably be on the floor.
“Why?” He took a step closer and threw the beer bottle he was holding to the floor. The sound of glass shattering overpowered the sound of music, and I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be too long until we had company. “It’s true. You will never be his, not really. Not how he wants you to be.”
“And I guess she belongs to you?” I bit back. “Jealousy looks bad on you.”
