Page 13 of Apathy
“What the fuck happened?” Lauren asked, taking in the scene in front of us.
Three girls from our grade stood together next to the fountain in the middle of the garden, huddled together, crying. I couldn’t see Kane or Beatrice among the other students, but I had a feeling that neither one of them went back to school after leaving the crypt. Kane was too pissed off to deal with the school for the rest of the day, and Beatrice being Beatrice probably followed him.
Under different circumstances, I would’ve followed him as well, but it was better to cut him off now than to lead him on when nothing real could ever happen. I mistakenly thought that he would be able to handle the arrangement we had during the summer, but I was wrong. Hurting him pained me, but I could never tell him why I started it in the first place.
If I did, he would end up dead, and that was the last thing I wanted to happen.
“Look.” Lauren pointed toward the back entrance, where several teachers stood, their pale faces telling a story of their own. Whatever happened, it wasn’t good. “They look scared.”
No, not only scared. They looked fucking terrified.
Our history teacher, Ms. Brown, was consoling two female students whose faces I couldn’t see since their backs were turned to us. The whole place looked like something out of a movie. Grief and despair coated the air with their filthy little hands, and as the two policemen stepped through the door with our principal, Mr. Donaghue, it was clear to me that whatever had happened, wasn’t a small feat.
Crows sang their wicked song of death, flying above our heads, like messengers announcing the impending doom. As I looked to the sky, the first droplet of rain fell on my face, rolling over my cheek, toward my chin. The dark sky above our school suddenly filled with a flock of birds flying in the direction only known to them. Omens of evil were everywhere, and I needed to know what happened.
“Lauren.” I looked down, following her line of sight toward where the two officers spoke with the two girls from our grade. Casey and Anna seemed to be shaking, only held up by their boyfriends as they stood behind them. “Can you ask around? See what happened.”
Out of the two of us, Lauren was much better at socializing with other people. I preferred to keep to myself and to keep my mouth shut, unless I knew the person I was talking to. Lauren was a social butterfly, and she would be able to gather what had happened much easier than me.
“Do I have to?” she moaned. “I kinda don’t want to talk to people today.”
“You’re talking to me.”
“Yeah, but you’re not people. You’re more like an alien.” Her irises were still shot wide, and I could only assume that mine were the same, but I didn’t have it in me to care. I smiled at her before I nudged her toward two freshmen watching the same scene with the officers as we did.
As soon as she started walking toward them, I felt him behind me, his energy electrifying my body. I wasn’t sure if it was the number of capsules I swallowed, the vodka I drank, or maybe the weed we smoked, but I could feel him everywhere. Around me, inside me, in my head, in my veins… He was everywhere.
Even when I stood up from that bench back in the crypt, distancing myself from him and walking to Lauren who stood with Danny, I could still feel him as if he was standing next to me. He didn’t touch me, yet I knew that if he did, my whole body would burn with desire. Ash was dangerous, too dangerous for me, for my mind. I wished I didn’t have such a visceral reaction to him, but I did, and I knew I would have to do something about it.
My issues had issues, dammit, and tangling myself with someone whose essence screamed danger wasn’t the smartest thing to do. So, distance. Yeah, I had to put some distance between us.
It’s only the first day at school and it already wasn’t going how I planned. I was supposed to lie low, avoid temptation, and he… he was the biggest fucking temptation of all. Whatever he carried inside of his soul called to mine.
Strong fingers sneaked underneath my hair, reaching the back of my neck, leaving a blazing trail in their path. I couldn’t understand my body’s reaction to him. It wasn’t like this was the first time I was attracted to somebody, but it was never like this.
This felt raw, unhinged, animalistic, and dangerous.
I was alive, but I wasn’t living. I was touched, but never understood. I was loved, but never really seen. Adults labeled me as problematic, while most of the kids my age described me as weird.
My skin tingled from where he touched me, and instead of moving away, I leaned back, seeking more, asking him to take a hold of more, without speaking the words. Understanding what I wanted, he came closer until his chest almost pressed against my back.
I could see Lauren not too far away from us. I could see worried faces, sadness taking over, but I couldn’t hear anything from the whooshing sound in my ears, as my heart thundered inside my chest. I was still drowsy, but with every soft caress, with every little touch on the back of my head, he was bringing me back to life.
Just as I started succumbing to his touch, to this crazy feeling, I remembered what was at stake, and his touch stopped feeling like a caress, and more like a punishment. I couldn’t enjoy this feeling. I couldn’t let myself fall for him, no matter how much I wanted to.
I took a step forward, moving away from him as if he burned me. I was playing with fire here. Ifhefound out what was going on today, I wouldn’t be the one paying. Oh no. That sadistic piece of shit knew that he couldn’t hurt me physically, so he always chose those closest to me.
“You’re avoiding me.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement, and I didn’t want to lie to him. I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to know all the tiny secrets—where he got that scar, why he looked like a thunderstorm and smelled like everything forbidden to me. “Why?”
Why?
Why?
Why?
There were a million reasons why, but I couldn’t tell him any of them. I wouldn’t tell him any of them because this burden of mine was only mine to carry.
“I’m not avoiding you,” I responded, still looking forward, trying to focus on Lauren.
