Page 35 of Equilibrium
You mean, the things you will do again?
Yes, the fucking things I would do again, and again, and again, until I got to my final goal. I wasn’t the sweetheart in this story. I was the villain in all of their eyes, but I guess that it always felt better blaming another person than looking into the mirror.
I knew it because I hated looking in the mirror. I hated seeing the shell staring at me, and I hated remembering the bloody trails I left everywhere I went.
“Nothing I say now will change your mind,” I murmured, finally realizing that I was fighting a battle I couldn’t win. “Just like everyone else, you think the worst of me, and that’s fine. But where were you, Nathan?” I looked at him. “Why weren’t you there with her when she was killed? Why didn’t you try to find a way to get you guys out of there, if you were so smart to get away?”
“No, that’s not—”
“It must be so easy, sitting there, judging me, when you know that I wasn’t the one that stabbed her in her stomach.” He flinched at the picture I was painting. “Where the fuck were you when somebody decided to end her life and frame me for something I didn’t do? Huh?”
“I was—”
“You weren’t there!” I screamed. “But just like every other person in my life, you have the guts to blame me for something I didn’t do. Well, Nathan, I couldn’t save her. Drown me because I wasn’t enough to save her from that life.”
“Ophelia... I didn’t—”
“I knew she was in danger the moment she told me she was involved with you. Did you think about that? Did you think about the shit you were pulling her into just by getting involved with her?”
“I-I didn’t—”
“You didn’t think!” I turned toward him completely. “You didn’t think about the consequences, but you men never do, do you? You just take and take and take until there’s nothing left of us. Until the only thing left behind is a shell, or in Ava’s case, a body. Why didn’t you save her, Nathan? You’re blaming me, but you are as guilty as I am.”
If he thought I was going to sit here and listen to him babble, listen to him trying to guilt me for her death, when he was as guilty as I was, he had another think coming. Man, every single time I thought that his gender couldn’t disappoint me more, they proved me wrong.
I understood grief. I lived with it every single day, but I wasn’t a weak little girl they could just throw around anymore. No, the Ophelia my father, my brother, all these men knew, she wasn’t here anymore. The fucked-up shit I went through—holding Ava’s guts on the floor, holding knives against the throats of kids that could’ve turned into adults that would try to kill me... I just wasn’t a little girl anymore.
“I am sorry for what happened, Nathan, and I would change it if I could. But I can’t, and neither can you. The only thing I can do is to find out who killed her and why, but that’s all. I won’t allow you to guilt trip me anymore.” I stood up, brushing the sand off my pants. “And that shit back in the house…” I leaned down. “Next time you even think about touching me like that, it won’t be Storm with his hands around your neck. It’ll be my knife or my gun, and I won’t let go. Trust me on that.”
His eyes widened, stricken with guilt, with fear and anger, but he didn’t answer back. Why would he when even after everything he knew, he still thought I was at fault?
“I don’t want you here.”
“And I don’t wanna be here, you fucking idiot.” I took another sip, angry at him and angry at myself. “I was brought here against my will. Did you really think I wanted to come here and play house with you guys when my sister is God knows where, probably being tortured and beaten?”
“Maya?”
“Ah, so you remember somebody else?”
“I do, but I—”
“You didn’t think she was missing?” I chuckled. “Figures. You all thought that we had this beautiful life, filled with riches and love. You knew my father, Nathan. He wasn’t a loving person. Hell, I’m surprised he didn’t already come here to take my ass back home.”
“You think he’ll come here?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “But I don’t wanna be here when that happens. And the further away I am from here, the better it is for all of you. You don’t want to have Nikolai Aster on your ass.”
I threw the beer bottle to the ground, right next to him, and started walking away. I was fucking tired of this bullshit. I needed to find Storm and I needed to be gone from here. All these things were messing with my emotions. First Storm, now Nathan, or wait, they called him Creed now. Seeing these people enjoying life when I never had any of it was a recipe for disaster. All these things, all these people, they were threatening to shatter the carefully curated walls I’d built throughout the years.
“Ophelia,” he called out after me. I turned around to see him get up and start walking toward me. He scowled, then flattened his expression before looking at me again. “Just don’t fuck up Storm.”
“I’m not the one fucking up anything, darling. He wanted me here, now he’ll have to see how I deal with shit I don’t wanna have thrown my way.”
I turned around when he grabbed my arm, pulling me back.
“He laid a claim on you.”
“He what?” I swiveled so fast, I was about to have whiplash.
