Page 123 of Equilibrium
He wouldn’t do that to himself.
I grabbed his arm and sat on my knees, closer to him. “What the fuck is this, Kill?”
His easy-going demeanor instantly changed and he tried pulling his arm away, but I wasn’t having it. The skin at his elbow pit was purple and the tiny mark from where the needle penetrated the skin stood against it.
“Tell me you didn’t.”
He pulled himself up, avoiding my eyes, but I couldn’t not say anything.
“Why do you even care?” he snarled at me. “Three months ago, you would’ve killed me without a second thought.”
“Goddammit, Kill! You would have done the same so cut the crap and tell me that it was a onetime thing.”
“It was a onetime thing.” He smirked.
“Kill.” I came closer. “If I wanted to, I would’ve killed you a long time ago, but I don’t. I like to think that we were friends before this, and I don’t want to see you killing yourself with this crap.”
“Just because you fucked both of us last night, doesn’t make you our friend.”
“Fuck you, Cillian.”
“You already did that, birdy. Quite loudly if I might add. And—”
I slapped him across the face before he could finish the sentence. I always knew that Kill had demons rivaling even mine, but I never thought that he would do this to himself. He used drugs here and there, but never this.
He never touched heroin, and seeing him like this, seeing those marks on him... This was breaking what was left of my heart.
“Kill,” I started, trying to kick some sense into him. “Your brothers already lost a sister. Don’t make them lose you too.”
His face scrunched because we both knew that what I was saying was the truth. Whatever it was he was battling with inside had to go away, and I wasn’t going to stand on the side and watch him destroy himself.
“Don’t do this to yourself, please.”
He kept quiet for a moment before those bright eyes met with mine.
“You have no idea, Phee.” He took a deep breath. “No idea how hard it is dealing with what is in here.” He tapped his temple. “I can hear them screaming at me. I can also see them. When I’m high, I just don’t feel anything. There’s no pain, no anger, no urge to kill myself and just leave this world.”
“But I do know. I do know how it is because I live with those same screams on a daily basis.” Goddammit, I wanted to hug him, to show him he wasn’t alone, but the way he held himself, his body language screamed to back off.
“I am not strong enough, Ophelia. I am just... I am not as strong as you or Kieran, or even Tristan. The original family disappointment, right?”
“Hey, no.” I placed my hands on his cheeks. “That’s not true. You are actually kind when you want to be, and patient. Please don’t let those demons win. I am begging you not to let them win. Find help. Find someone who can help you to overcome this.”
I pushed myself up and kissed his forehead. No matter what happened in the past between us, between me and his whole family, he didn’t deserve this.
Cillian was just another version of me. Used by his father, thrown to the wolves and when he was breaking apart, nobody was there to catch him, to help him and to tell him that it would all be okay.
“Does Kieran know?” I asked him, because if he did know and he didn’t offer help, I was going to have to smack him on his head.
“No.” He frantically shook his head. “He doesn’t and he can’t know. Promise me you won’t tell him.”
“Cillian—”
“No, you can’t. He will blame himself and this isn’t his burden to carry. You know how he is. He always tries to help, but in the whole process, he starts blaming himself for the things that have happened and this one... This one isn’t his fault.”
“I won’t say anything, okay?” I agreed. “But you have to. I don’t know how deep you are, but you need to find help, Cillian. You’re killing yourself and you’re going to destroy your family as well.”
“I know. I—”
