Page 109 of Equilibrium
I had to find Maya, get myself out of this mess and disappear.
My mind was already broken enough. I would have to be truly crazy to go back.
But what about Storm?
That asshole could go and die for all that I care. Even if my own heart was breaking at the mere thought of him being hurt, I would have to move forward.
None of them deserved me. None of them deserved to have me.
Those pieces of myself I kept leaving with them, I would never be able to get back. And I regretted that. I fucking regretted trusting the wrong people.
Giving them parts of me, giving them pieces of my soul, when they never gave me anything in return.
God.
This fucking sucked. This tight feeling in my chest, it sucked. I was far better when I pretended that I didn’t have any emotions. It was much better when I made myself believe that I had no heart and soul. I could cope better. I could go through days without breaking apart.
But right now, my mind was destroying me. It was pulling back memories I buried so deep. That fucking chest I kept closed for years has opened, and I had no idea how to close it again. I had no fucking clue what to do right now because this suffocating feeling wasn’t something I wanted to live with for the rest of my life.
I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to see the faces of all those people I’d hurt. I didn’t want to see his face, and the only lithium I had, the only person that could help me and keep them away was the one person that betrayed me.
Again.
How many times would I have to go through this? Was I such a bad person in my previous life that I had to suffer through this one?
For fuck’s sake, I was just a child when they threw me into all this. And what was I supposed to do? Run? They would’ve found me. They would have never stopped until my bones were lying in the backyard of our family house.
So, I did what I had to do. I destroyed those they’d sent me to destroy. Even if it wasn’t enough, I was still alive. I was still breathing. But breathing and living were two separate concepts. I knew that now.
I wasn’t living. I was a walking, breathing machine, and I was so tired of being a machine.
I was so tired of being alone, being on the run, being bloody and rejected.
Why did people have to reject me? What was so bad in me that none of those I’d trusted showed me affection? Was there something living inside that kept everyone away? Was I really as poisonous as Kieran said?
This pain, this fucking sadness, I just couldn’t, not anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore.
The sign on the road showed that I was a couple of miles away from Las Vegas, and if my memory served me correctly, there was an exit sign right about... Bingo.
I turned right, almost ready to crash here and now.
Luckily, Creed kept the reservoir of the bike full, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere.
As I exited from the main highway, the road turned narrow. The old industrial zone I’d been to before was filled with familiar buildings, I now just had to find the one I was looking for. I remembered the grey color of the facade, but that was about it. Maybe if I saw it, it would come to me.
It had been years since I last came here, so I wasn’t entirely too sure that I would get the right building. Hell, maybe they didn’t even own it anymore. With my luck, it would end up being owned by somebody else, with a full alarm and all that shit.
I passed several warehouses and office buildings and was getting to the end of the line when it caught my eye.
Separated from all the others, the warehouse I was looking for stood in the dark, surrounded by trees and debris that weren’t there the last time we visited. I revved the engine of the bike and turned toward my destination. There were no lights and half of the windows had broken glass. I guess I was right—it was still abandoned.
I turned off the ignition and climbed off the bike. My legs felt like Jell-O, the time I’d spent on the bike without stopping, catching up with me.
Storm’s hoodie was still tied around my waist, and a small pang of longing went through me, wishing that he were here right now. Wishing that what I’d heard today was just another trick my mind was playing on me.
But it wasn’t, and in my usual fashion, I didn’t know how to cope with this overwhelming feeling in my body. I wished that someone, somewhere had taught me how to cope with emotions. How to deal with happiness, sadness, love... How to live with myself, and not run from it.
Because that’s what I’d been doing my whole life. I’d been running from all these things.
