Page 9 of Equilibrium
A tame little girl that when they said jump, I would ask, how high? And I played along.
I tried to be all of that, even if it ate me alive. I tried to be what they wanted me to be because I didn’t know better.
It was terrifying trying to fit into the world that wanted nothing more than to chew you up and spit you out. You gave it your all, yet it was never enough.
I was never enough.
It was sad standing in front of the mirror and hating what was staring back at me—empty eyes, empty smiles and an empty soul without a real purpose. I practiced emotions and proper social interactions because I didn’t have them. I pushed them away from the fear of breaking apart. And they made me this way. They pulled it all out of me—the darkest parts of me, the deranged and sick pieces of my soul brought to the surfaces—and then they regretted it.
I saw it in my father’s eyes. He was proud, but he was also terrified. He made a monster, but then he didn’t know what to do with it.
Siberian Gulag.
Camps in China.
Fifteen days in the Rub’ al Khalil desert in Saudi Arabia.
I did it all. I survived it all because he made me do it. It was all part of my training, he said. All part of this fucked-up plan he had for me.
Did Atlas feel like a monster as well?
“I can see the wheels in your head turning, and no Ophelia, I don’t always enjoy my job. You know something about it, don’t you?” Yeah, I did. “But we did what nobody else wanted to do. We are the faces that haunt other people in the dark, and we are the ones they are afraid of. But these people here, these people I am going to introduce you to, they’re my family. They helped me in more ways than one, and I would rather give my life protecting them in any way that I can, than waste it on something else.”
“But what if you waste your life protecting those that don’t deserve it?” I asked quietly, knowing full well that we weren’t talking about him.
“Then maybe it’s the wrong family.”
Was it? The way he said it resonated with me, and for some inexplicable reason, I felt better knowing that I wasn’t with the Syndicate anymore.
“Now, put a smile on your face.” I grimaced instead, which made him laugh in return. “Oh God, you crack me up, sweetheart. But listen, I meant what I said. You are safe here, and while I can’t talk about the reason why you’re here, I can promise you that no one will touch you.”
Famous last words, Atlas.
Atlas kepthis hand slouched around my shoulders the entire time, and even when we came to the staircase, he didn’t let go. I wasn’t too fond of meeting new people, because more often than not, those I allowed inside my walls either ended up dead or they betrayed me. I know, I had issues—major fucking issues—but years and years of being stomped on, fucked over, tortured, and betrayed would do that to a person.
We walked in silence, and for one brief moment, I allowed myself to dream about the future where I could have a real friend and a family, even if we weren’t connected by blood. The images flickered inside my mind, showing me the future I would probably never have, but I still wanted it. I wanted to wake up in a bed that was my own, and it didn’t really matter if I was alone or with somebody else. I just wanted to be free of these chains I kept dragging since that day in my house. I was a prisoner of my own mind and a prisoner of the world I didn’t want to be a part of anymore.
The voices traveled through the air, and I immediately stiffened knowing what was about to come. I wasn’t a fan of crowds, and by the sounds of it, there were more than two people talking from the room adjacent to the stairs. Atlas gripped my shoulder as if he feared I would bolt, and I had to admit, he wouldn’t be too far off.
My flight instincts were at an all-time high, and I blamed it all on the exhaustion rendering my body useless. With each new step we took, my gut coiled tighter, and I suddenly just wanted to be back in the room, far away from the rest of the world.
Faster than I could even think to move away from Atlas’s hold, we were at the bottom of the staircase, both of us looking toward the entryway to another room.
“Now remember,” Atlas broke the silence around us, “play nice.”
My tongue was tied up as sweat beaded on my forehead. I would usually come up with some smartass remark, but not today.
Today, I was apparently shy Ophelia, who didn’t like people. Not that I liked them on any other day either.
“You’re awfully quiet right now. Are you sure you aren’t planning to kill us all and escape with our heads in your bag?”
“I swear to God, Atlas.” I pinched his side, earning a yelp from him. “Can you just shut up?”
He did shut up, but not before he pinched my side as well, earning a murderous glare from me.
“Was that really necessary?”
“It did stop your mini panic attack there.”
