Page 88 of Equilibrium
“Come here.” I removed my boots and pushed myself onto the bed, pulling her on top of me.
“What about you?” She looked at me with those doe-like eyes.
“I’ll survive.” I kissed her forehead, holding her tight. “Now go to sleep. You’ll be exhausted in the morning.”
“I’m still angry at you.” Her voice sounded small, hurt and I hated that I was the reason behind that.
“I know, baby, I know,” I whispered, looking at the ceiling as she nestled her head in the crook of my neck. “But I promise you, as soon as we come back, we’re going to talk, and I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”
“Everything?” she asked as she lifted her head, looking straight at me. Hope shone through her eyes and I stole another kiss, unable to take my hands off her.
“Everything.”
Devoid of all emotions.
Empty.
Numb.
Or at least that’s what I wanted people to see. I’d been hiding behind the cold mask of indifference my entire life, even before all of this started. I knew how to bite my tongue and quiet it all down. I knew how to pretend that nothing ever got to me. I was a master at this game of pretense.
Of masks, and silly games. Of putting a cold façade on my face, when all I wanted to do was scream and scream and fucking scream... But I didn’t want to play that game with him. I didn’t want to dance at another masquerade ball because I was too scared to confront everything I felt for him. And I was scared. Trust me, I was fucking terrified. It was tough getting rid of all the brainwashing my father did to me.
It was tough shaking off that constant feeling of distrust, even though my heart and my soul knew they belonged to him. I couldn’t continue living my life with the whole I-was-hurt-before shit. I had to shake off all those things, all those memories, all the crap I dug myself into. I had no idea what happened last night, but something switched. It was as if the light turned on, and I could finally see.
I could finally see him, and I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t afraid to love him, to be with him, knowing he was it for me. He was the one I wanted to spend my life with. My anger at him didn’t come from a bad place. I understood secrets and holding on to them like your life depended on it.
Mine were nestled close to my heart where no one could see them, but I wanted to share them with him. It took me a month to fall for him, to lose myself in those green eyes, and I couldn’t be angry about it. If I didn’t want it, it wouldn’t have happened.
Seeing him with the members of this club, observing his interactions with both male and female members and the respect they were showing him, it wasn’t just out of fear.
It was pure respect based on mutual understanding and everything he did for them. I’d heard rumors of how he ran things.
I’d heard rumors of their past. Something happened in Las Vegas, but nobody wanted to talk about it with me. And I understood that. They still saw me as a stranger, and I knew it took time for all of them to trust me. They were polite, they talked to me, but I could still feel the distance they were keeping because they didn’t know me.
I was an Aster after all.
Drakon.
The unholy fire. I wouldn’t trust me either if I were them. But I would earn their trust. I would earn my place here, and I would protect them. I didn’t want to walk through this life like a shell of a person anymore. I wanted to live. I wanted to love. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a place I could call my own.
And this was it. This was my place.
These people were my people now. I thought I knew what acceptance and love felt like, but it was all a lie wrapped in a perfect little package to keep me in place, to keep me quiet. I thought I loved Kieran, but what I felt for him was nowhere near these newfound feelings for Storm. Kieran was my lifeline, because when they ripped everything I knew away from me, he was the one thing I could cling to. He was the one person who could understand what was going on in my head.
A habit. Kieran was a habit I couldn’t shake off, but now as I searched through my heart, there were no traces of that love. What he did to Maya, it was unforgivable, but when that knife went through his chest, when I finally did what I was supposed to do, I didn’t feel liberated. I didn’t feel happy.
I felt nothing because I wasn’t the one who was supposed to avenge anything. It was Maya. She was supposed to be the one holding that knife if she wanted to. She was the one that got to decide whether he lived or died. God, I was so lost in my revenge that I didn’t see the flaws in my plan. I was just like my father, only doing what I thought was right and never considering what other people might want to do.
Rage, pain, sorrow, they consumed me. They turned me into the one thing I didn’t want to be—just another bloodthirsty Aster. It was time to let those things go, to leave the past behind and look toward the future I could have.
It was time to look forward to this thing with Storm, this intense feeling in my chest.... The way every single nerve ending in my body hummed whenever he was around. When he looked at me, when he touched me, when he kissed me, when he marked me....
I dragged a hand over the fresh cuts he left behind.
Storm.
He carved his name onto my body, and if any of this happened a year ago, I would’ve been mad. Hell, I wouldn’t even had allowed him to do it, but Ophelia from one year ago didn’t know what I knew now. She didn’t know how to let go, or how to accept the good, life was throwing at her.
