Page 136 of Shamed
But how do you make up for such a wrong assumption?
I blocked Campbell after I sent the text, too ashamed to find out if he’d respond, or even read it, for that matter. I blockedNeil as well. I had messed things up with them long before Jayne did anything.
“Mase, honey.” Mom’s voice pulls me out of my head, and I look up at her sitting in the chair by the window. “Will you tell me what’s wrong?”
Swallowing, I look back down at my phone, then shove it into my pocket, giving her my full attention.
The sun is shining through the window, highlighting the red strands in her hair. She looks good today.
It’s still cold out, but we’re past the worst of it, the days staying brighter for longer.
I tap my fingers on my thigh, trying to think of how to answer her.
To be honest, I’m surprised it’s taken her this long to ask me again since the last time. She’s usually relentless.
But I was far from ready to talk about it then, and maybe she knows that.
“And don’t tell me nothing again,” she adds. “I’ve watched you your entire life, but I’ve never seen you quite like this.”
I wonder if by “this” she means the scruffy beard I’ve been sporting, or the dark circles from the sleep I haven’t been having?
I don’t think Mom is going to settle for anything less than the truth, so I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, “Why did you keep me?” It’s the one question I’ve never askedher, keeping it hidden in a dark place so I wouldn’t keep thinking about it. “Why would you ever want a piece ofhim?”
Her eyes widen and her mouth parts, clearly taken aback, and not at all expecting those questions. But even with the blunt subject, her gaze melts into soft brown as she looks at me.
“Oh, honey. I’ve never seen you as a piece of him. Not once. And as for why I kept you . . .” Her gaze drifts to the window, her mind briefly lost in thought, lost in the past. “I was depressed the weeks after it happened. Torn apart on the inside. I was a mess, and felt like something was taken from me.” She pauses, and I see the old scars peeking through her expression.
It hurts to hear these things. And it hurts to think about Jayne experiencing something similar.
“When I found out I was pregnant, it felt like I was given something back. You lifted my spirits and gave me something to live for.”
Turning back to me, Mom’s lips turn up on one side, chasing away those scars, making her look young again.
“You want to know why I decided to keep you? Because I loved you from the moment I found out about you.”
My eyes fall shut as a boulder the size of a watermelon clogs my windpipe, making it hard to both breathe and swallow.
I never let myself hope that that might be the reason. Not after my experiences as a teenager when I first found out.
Being a mistake she didn’t want was easier to believe, because that’s what I was already told.
Told by others. But never by my mother.
One of the cracks in my soul begins to close, and I start to think that maybe Jayne was onto something with the soul-searching thing.
Only, my search had to start from where I began. I see that now.
“Is that what’s been bothering you?”
Opening my eyes, I huff a breath. “For the past fifteen years.”
But I will spare my mother the torment of knowing just how messed up things had gotten in my mind.
The soft sound Mom lets out is filled with heartbreak. “Mase, come here.”
I don’t hesitate. Rising to my feet, I drag the chair I was sitting on across the room until I’m close enough to hers, then I reach out and take her hand in mine, feeling the slightest pulse as she tries to squeeze it in return.
Ever since she lost the ability to walk, she’s preferred to be sitting close whenever we start a serious conversation.
