Page 131 of Shamed
Since I found Jayne in a puddle of blood, I haven’t let myself think too deeply about Jacob. All my focus has beenon her.
I suppose when I do finally dwell on it, the severity of the situation might hit me ten times worse.
Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
My knee hasn’t stopped fucking bouncing since I sat down in this uncomfortable plastic chair hours ago, and it’s driving me crazy.
Everything is, really, but especially the waiting.
Waiting to know she’s okay, waiting to see her, waiting for answers from both the doctors and from Jayne.
I was asked a number of questions earlier when we arrived, but unfortunately, I didn’t get any answers in return.
I scrub a hand down my face, squinting up at the bright lights.
Jesus, I feel like I’ve been tossed into a blender, where my emotions and thoughts are being mixed and thrown about in several directions.
I wassodamn angry and upset with her earlier.
Now, I’m desperately trying to keep it together, hoping like hell that she’ll be okay.
Exhaustion has taken on a whole new meaning, yet my eyes remain open. Closing them only brings on the image of her body on the bathroom floor, covered in blood.
I shift in the seat, my leg continuing to bounce.
Surely, I would have been told if something bad had happened after we arrived, right?
My head jerks up when I hear someone approach, and my leg finally ceases bouncing.
An older woman with short black hair and thin-rimmed glasses eyes me before stepping closer. “Mase Turner?”
“Yeah.” My voice comes out dry and croaky, so I clear my throat and try again. “Yes.”
“Hi, I’m Dr. Sharpe.” She takes a seat on a nearby chair, adopting a kind yet professional demeanor. “I’m one of the psychiatric doctors here at the hospital. I just finished talking with Jennifer.”
Talking. She talked with her. That’s a good sign.
“Is she . . . is she okay?” I know she can’t tell me any details since I’m not family, but I need to know that, at least.
Dr. Sharpe’s face softens. “All I can tell you is that she appears stable right now. I understand you were the one who found her and called for help?”
I nod, trying not to relive those terrifying moments in my mind. Once is more than enough for a lifetime.
“Jennifer has indicated that she’s okay with you going in to see her, but I wanted to speak with you before you do.”
I run a hand through my mussed-up hair and shift in the chair again. I can only imagine how deranged I must look right now.
Crossing a leg, she continues, “Finding someone the way you did can be quite a traumatic and stressful experience, andyou might be tempted to ask her questions about why she would do something like that. But it’s important to remember that that’s not what she needs right now. Our focus is on her mental health, so the best thing is to remain positive, showing her friendship and love. Be supportive. If you don’t think you can do that, then it would be best not to see her right now.”
My heart pumps a little harder, and I wipe my clammy hands on my sweatpants. “No, I can do that.”
There’s no way I’m not going in there right now. I need to see her with my own eyes. I need to reset the last image of her in my mind. As much as I want to bombard her with questions, they can wait.
“Okay.” Dr. Sharpe looks at me for a beat, like she’s reading all my thoughts. “You know, it’s also common for some to feel like they’re to blame in these instances, so make sure you take care of yourself as well. Talk to someone if you need to. This wasn’t your fault.”
If only I could believe that.
Jayne was struggling before I came along, I know that. But I’m the one who pushed her over the edge into that darkness. Thisismy fault.
