Page 155 of Shamed
Silence grows as we sit on the couch, both of us ruminating on what we found out this morning.
After saying an awkward goodbye to Jayne’s parents, we came straight back here. The only words spoken were to the private investigator Jayne had hired months ago, to get information about Jacob. She had stopped calling him when sherealized it was more harmful than helpful to her mental health. But today? Today she needed this information from him.
The investigator was able to confirm that Jacob is in prison again.
She didn’t talk after that.
Now, the silence is starting to scrape at my skull.
I need to know where her mind is at.
Taking her fingers, I lift them to my mouth, brushing them over my lips. “Talk to me, Jayne.”
Several beats pass before she blows out a long steady breath, tears gathering in her eyes. “I just . . . I just keep wondering if this is my fault as well. Did I make him into this person by accusing him in the first place? Did I create a monster? Or was he always on the path to it?”
I knew she would do this. I knew she would start running in circles with her thoughts, wondering if she was to blame again. It scares me because I know what she did to herself in the past.
I continue running her fingers across my lips, back and forth, back and forth—a reminder that she’s not alone this time.
She scoffs out a watery sound. “Maybe I spent these last couple of years torturing myself for no reason.” Turning her head, she rests it on the back of the couch, her eyes landing and staying on me.
“Unfortunately, that’s something we will never know.” I lean back, resting my head close to hers while keeping her hand in mine. “I know it’s going to be hard for you to accept, a tough road, but you can’t let it continue torturing you like it was.” Reaching up, I press a palm to her cheek. “You tried.”
“It seems like there’s always something in the way of me doing what’s right.” Her eyes briefly close, the tears spilling over the edge. “What do you think happened with him, honestly?”
“I really don’t know.” I smooth my thumb over her skin, wiping away the wetness. “It’s been over ten years since we were friends, and I believed the worst of him back then. I have no idea what could be going through his head anymore. And prison would have changed him.”
Guilt still pricks at me when I think about how I wasn’t a friend to him at all.
If I put in more effort back then, would things be different? If I wasn’t so quick to separate myself from him, from the others, would it have helped?
I know I can’t keep dwelling on those thoughts, but those feelings will remain with me, like I know they will with Jayne.
She lifts her hand to rest over mine on her cheek. “I know this is hard for you, too, even though you act strong for me.”
I smile softly. “I’m fine.”
Her eyes trace the shape of my mouth, her lips curving just the slightest in response.
“What are we supposed to do now?” she asks after a beat. “It was all I’ve been thinking about, all I’ve been preparing for mentally.”
Puffing my cheeks, I consider my answer, knowing that she may not like it. Heck, it took me until now to accept that her mom may be right. “I think it might be time to let it go and start to live.”
The corners of her lips turn down. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
“We’ll work on it together. One day at a time.”
“Together,” she whispers, her gray eyes still glossy. “God, I’m so lucky to have you.”
Leaning in, I press a kiss to her lips. “Luck has nothing to do with it.”
In fact, it trips me up sometimes when I think of the fact that the two most important women to me are in my life because of something horrific happening to them.
“You saved me,” Jayne says, as if she heard my thoughts. “And I’m not just talking about that horrible night.” She turns her face to kiss my palm. “And I think you saved your mom as well.”
I feel a burn at the backs of my eyes at her unexpected words, my chest tightening along with my throat. “Jayne . . .”
This time, it’s her who leans in for a kiss, her mouth lingering, soft and warm.
