Page 134 of Shamed
I thought I almost lost her tonight, but it turns out, I still am.
Returning her hand to her lap, I lift the other off my thigh to join it and shift off the bed. Then I try constructing a makeshift wall across the wound on my soul, just so it doesn’t fucking hurt so much. Maybe shutting down would be better.
“Okay,” I croak. “I understand.”
Jayne’s eyes widen like she’s just now realizing what she’s doing, a flash of alarm on her face at what this means for us. “It doesn’t have to be permanent,” she rushes to say, swiping at another tear.
I nod, keeping my focus down and off her sad face. There has been way too much going on tonight, and I feel myself on the verge of crumpling. “I should go.”
I make a move to leave, my body already turned toward the door, but this time, it’s Jayne who reaches out to grab my hand. “Wait.”
I glance at her over my shoulder, and the moment she sees my face, hers collapses. “God, Mase.” Using my hand, she pulls me back into her, and I’m fucking helpless to resist.
Biting down on my molars, I fight against the burning in my eyes and nose, as she holds my face to her neck, her arms banded tight around me. This is where I belong. Iknowit is.
But I also know that she’s right, and she needs to be the one to fix herself. I can’t do it for her.
“This doesn’t have to be forever,” she repeats. “I just need time.”
Seconds pass as I inhale her into my lungs, into my soul, then finally, I pull back and get to my feet.
Before I can turn away again, she reaches for something under her pillow and pulls out a folded paper.
Holding it out to me, she exhales. “This letter explains everything from the beginning. Why I believed it was Jacob, and why I didn’t go forward when I found out. I need you toknow it all.” I hear her swallow. “And also, who really attacked me . . .”
I take it, my clammy hands gripping the paper like it contains a bomb.
After pocketing it, I meet her gaze, resolution hardening my features. “I will give you time. But make no mistake, I’m not giving up on you. And I will be waiting for you when you’re ready.”
Then I turn around and walk out the door.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Mase
Despite what I do for work, I’ve never considered myself a violent man. I’ve never went and sought out a fight, never felt the need to settle things with my fists.
The fight I had with Campbell was a one-off, brought on by devastated emotions.
Thinking about why we were fighting back then makes me sick now.
Regardless of not being violent, for the past month, rage has been simmering just below the surface, seeking an escape.
It’s taken me weeks to get to this point. Four weeks of searching, while trying to assuage the anger.
And though I could just let things be, I don’t fuckingwantto.
Since Jayne gave me that letter explaining everything from the night of her assault to the day she found out the truth, my blood has been fire under my skin. Everything in me has felt tight and tense, needing a release that hasn’t come at the gym.
I had to convince myself to stay calm while I was reading it. I had to fight to keep myself from blowing up right then and there.
I now understand why she didn’t go forward when she found out.
I now understand the type of torture she’s been living with.
I now understand why she’s felt so fucking alone.
And it’s all because ofhim.
