Page 106 of Shamed
Yes, she was my first proper kiss at the age of twenty-eight.
I dip my chin.
“I’m so, so sorry, Mase. For how you were treated. For your mom. For her horrible family, and how wrong they were.”
She attempts to close the distance between us, but I step back, because she doesn’t get it yet. Even if she were to stay after knowing the first part, she won’t after I tell her the rest.
“They weren’t wrong.”
She freezes, a million questions swimming in her confused eyes. “What?”
“They weren’t wrong,” I repeat, my voice low.
“What do you mean, they weren’t wrong? I don’t understand.” Her brows knit together. “Are you . . . are you saying you’ve—”
“No.” My gut rolls at the thought.
Shoulders lowering a fraction, Jayne attempts a small step. “Then what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that sometimes, the thought of holding you down . . .” I pause, letting those words hang in the air because I can’t fucking say it out loud. “I’m sure you can figure out the rest of that sentence.”
A lifetime passes before she finally answers, her voice a whisper. “It turns you on.”
I nod, looking at the ground, chewing on my hacked-up cheek some more. “I mean, that’s probably how it starts, right? Thoughts like that.”
It’s silent again as that horrible truth sinks in.
The idea of rough sex, of gripping, holding, fucking . . . Sometimes I want it, and I worry that I’ll like it so much that I’ll get carried away.I am just like him.
I lift my eyes to find hers still filled with tears as she stares at me.
Does she think I’m repulsive? Does she regret having sex with me now?
I expect her to be appalled and leave immediately. I’m just as bad as Jacob and the nightmare she’s endured ever since. I’m everything she should hate.
But she doesn’t leave. For whatever reason, she lingers, unspeaking.
I widen the space between us, then decide to continue dumping my nasty secrets on the floor in front of me. She might as well have the whole picture so when she does finally leave, she won’t be left wondering about any missing pieces.
“Control is key for me. I avoided sex for the longest time because of thoughts like that. Then I figured it would be better to take care of my sexual needs so I wouldn’t succumb to any of the dark desires.” I clear my throat, so fucking uncomfortable. “I started occasionally paying a woman, who I requested use handcuffs on me. I didn’t touch her; she just gave me a release.”
Jayne’s gaze falls to the cuffs still attached to the bed frame, mind turning. “That’s why you wanted to use them,” she guesses. “Not because you thought I needed them.”
“It was both,” I rush to say. “I wanted you to feel safe—neededyou to.”
“I did feel safe,” she says softly.
Well, I’m fucking grateful for that, at least.
I run my fingers through my hair and continue, “Deep down, I know that sex is a regular part of life, but it never has been for me. It’s always felt like I was doing something wrong and dirty, like I shouldn’t want it, and I definitely shouldn’t want anything rough. I feel like I’m a dirty pervert . . . a predator.”
“No, Mase.” Jayne steps a little closer, her stormy eyes focused on me. I was fucking helpless to resist the way those eyes had looked at me earlier, with so much trust and want. “I know disgusting perverts, and believe me, you arenothinglike them.”
She takes one of my hands in hers, and I want to pull it away. Why does she still want to touch me? “I made you dance for me because I couldn’t control myself.”
“What? No.” Her forehead creases as she shakes her head. “You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t already want to do. I wanted you before that.”
“But that was before you knew what I am.”
