Page 83 of Wrecked
I turn away, taking myself to the outer edge of the crowd so that I can actually breathe and not suffocate under the blanket of guilt. I'd rather not break down in front of everyone as well.
Leaning against a tree, I pull out my flask, tipping it up to my lips without a second thought, and swallowing down several mouthfuls, only stopping when I feel someone approach.
Neil stands a couple of feet away from me, glancing around the area before his eyes meet mine, and his chin lifts in greeting. He's wearing that same sad look as everyone else here, and it's fucking hard to look at.
I drop my eyes to his clothes, keeping my focus on something else instead. We're all wearing black button-down shirts, but his top two buttons are undone, and his tie is loose like it's been tugged at over and over.
“Hey,” he says, adjusting his glasses and reaching his hand up for my flask. Maybe I should feel bad about drinking here, but all I really care about at this moment is numbing the fucking feelings that are crushing my chest. I hand him the flask, watching as he takes a sip and then gives it back. “How've you been?” I shrug in response while drinking more myself. “He looked a lot like you do, you know. The last several months.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
His eyes flicker to the cuts and bruises on my face, and I instinctively poke my tongue out to lick the cut on my lip. “He was getting into fights and partying a bunch, but it's the haunted look in your eyes that's mostly the same.”
My brows draw together as I look away from him, unsure of what to say because itdoessound like me. At least, the me from before Jasmine. But who am I kidding? Twice in the past couple of weeks, I've been drunk while fighting after the races.
Jasmine pulled me up out of the darkness I was in, but I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out how to stay out of it. Whenever I'm not around her, I feel myself starting to sink back down again. Before her, my life was a shit storm, and I could have easily ended up like Jason, with my life ending far too soon, especially if I continued doing stupid things like drinking and driving. It scares me.
“He started going downhill about a year ago,” Neil says, pulling me back out of my head. He glances around at the headstones in front of us, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “At least that's when I started noticing it. It could have been going on for a while.”
“Do you know what caused it?” I ask quietly.
Neil's lips twist in thought. “He ended up at the same college as Jennifer Lapman and her friends. I don't think Jennifer ever said anything to him, but I know her friends did. They harassed him for being friends with a rapist. Said he should have known all along and done something about it. I think it really got to him and messed him up. Evenhestarted saying that he could have prevented it.”
I look to the ground, those familiar feelings of regret and guilt pressing further into my chest, making it feel tight. “He sent me a text not too long ago. Asking if I ever thought about what things would be like if we had gone to that party.”
At the time, I thought he was talking about Jacob's life and the guilt of him being put in prison even though he was innocent, but now I think he was referring to actually stopping Jacob from doing it. That doesn't sit well with me.
Neil's head bobs with a nod. “He mentioned that to me a few times as well. Can't say I haven't wondered it myself.”
Another voice pipes up from behind us. “And we've been over it so many times. It wouldn't have mattered. If it wasn't that night, it would have happened another time.”
I turn to see Mase approaching from behind the tree, and I grind down on my molars once it actually registers what he said. “Fuck off, Mase.” I already feel myself barely hanging on by a thread, and I know he'll only make it worse.
“Good to see you, too,” he replies sarcastically, but I ignore that.
“Youknewhim. You should know he'd have never done anything like that.”
He shakes his head. “What Iknowis that it was pretty obvious that hediddo it, and you're too blind to see it.”
I can feel anger licking up my spine and boiling my skin as he spouts his usual bullshit, so I get in his face. “You know what I think? You've always been pushing his guilt pretty hard, but I seem to remember you disappearing right after he did. So maybeyou'rethe one who should be behind bars, huh?”
“What the fuck?” Disgust embodies his face as he shoves at my chest with force, but I barely move, my irritation keeping me firmly rooted to the spot.
The rage festers inside me, and I have this desire to provoke him further, even though I don't really believe he did it. “Yeah. Maybe it's you who should be stuck in prison alone, with no one coming to visit you.”
A Cheshire smile spreads on his lips as he pokes a finger into my chest this time. “You just admitted that evenyouhaven't gone to see him,” he scoffs. “Some friend you are.”
My arm cocks back, and I'm swinging at his face before I can think twice. It's not because what he said isn't true. It's because itis.I'm a fucking terrible friend. That's part of the reason I was living the way I was, not letting myself have anything good. Jasmine is the only good thing I've allowed myself, and I shouldn't even have her. I knew I didn't deserve her before, but it's only becoming more and more clear every day. I'm too fucking selfish to let her go now, though. Especially since she told me that she loved me.
Mase goes stumbling back a few steps but recovers quickly and comes charging back, tackling me to the ground. The air gets knocked out of my lungs as my back hits the grass, but then I'm fighting back.
We roll over a few times, and although he still ends up on top of me, my fist connects with the side of his head with a loud crack. A grunt escapes his lips, but then he smashes a palm into my nose, causing me to taste blood as it drains into my mouth. The cut on my lip has also opened up, leaking onto my chin.
“What the fuck are you guys doing?” I hear Neil's voice from somewhere above us, but neither of us stops.
I manage to kick Mase off me, and then I'm climbing on top of him, straddling his hips and landing another punch to his face. Mase swings at me again, and it would have been a hit, but instead, I only feel the slight brush of his knuckle against me when I'm yanked backward by my collar and thrown to the side.
“We're at a funeral, for fuck's sake,” Neil bellows as he glares down at us. Then, more quietly through gritted teeth, he adds, “Jason's family isright there. Theyjustburied him. Have some goddamn respect.”
