Page 36 of After His Eulogy
“Okay.”
“Griffin.”
“Yes.”
“Take off your coat.”
He takes off his coat. He hangs it on the hook next to mine. He puts his shoes by the door, lined up neatly, the toes against the wall. He sees me see him do this. He does not say anything. I do not say anything.
He stands in the middle of the apartment. I stand in the entryway. There is the eight feet of living room between us. He is looking at me. I am looking at him. The lamp on the desk is on. The lamp by the bed is on, visible through the open bedroom door. The water glass is on the desk. He is letting himself notice. I am letting him notice.
“Reed.”
“Yeah.”
“I have decided something.”
“Okay.”
“Tonight is going to be different.”
“Okay.”
“I want to tell you what I want.”
“Okay.”
I have heard him say this before. Last week, in his apartment. I want to ask you something first. The phrasing is not the sameand the body it is coming out of is not the same. Last week he was the one decided. Tonight he is the one asking the same question I had to answer last week. He has crossed the room to ask it. He is asking it in the apartment where I told him I was an FBI witness. I do not say any of this. I let him ask.
He looks at me.
“I want you to fuck me tonight.”
I look at him.We said we would figure it out, and he has figured it out, and the decision is this.He’s asking, the way he asked last week.Yes.
“Yes,” I say.
“Okay.”
“Griffin.”
“Yes.”
“Have you…“
I stop. I do not know how to ask. I am asking him to do a thing he has not done with me before. We did not do it this way, before, when there was a before. I do not know if he has done it with anyone. He looks at me.
“No,” he says. “I have not.”
“With anyone.”
“With anyone.”
I nod once.
“I am telling you because I want you to know. I am not handing you a thing to be careful about. I am telling you because we said we would tell each other. I am telling you and I am still asking.”
“Okay.”
